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my Jesus fish went belly up
blee73

my faith, a dead fish
 1
floating, flakes
 2
bakes in a sun smeared
 3
across the sky like a firefly
 4
squashed to amuse a child.
 5
 
 
it settles into black water, drifts
 6
down past sea things with eyes
 7
like darkened windows,
 8
rubber suckers, stalactite teeth
 9
to muddy rock bottom
 10
dotted with translucent eggs.
 11

4 Jun 07

Rated 9.6 (9.6) by 7 users.
Active (7): 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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(18 more poems by this author)

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BrokenJoke
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Comments:

I like this pieece. a few comments: l1 would be stronger without the word "is" as would l3 without "a". take out l10-11, they lose the poeetic sensibility the rest of the poem has.

other than that, good strong imagery and I like the title.
 — ElegantWaste

Thuis is quite good, but I'm not sure what the significance of the eggs at the end is, some new faith being born?
 — unknown

Simply superb
 — larrylark

too many metaphors and similes crammed together.
doesnt give a clear picture.
 — unknown

ElegantWaste, larrylark, and unknowns, all of you have a point. When I'm not so dead tired I'll look into revision suggestions further. Thanks for reading and feeding back.
 — blee73

Unknown, I just re-read your comment. That's a very thought-provoking question. I, too, wondered if my subconscious was trying to tell me something.

larrylark, thanks for the kind words.

ElegantWaste, tried some of your suggestions. Left the "a" in line 3, though. It read awkward without it.
 — blee73

this is excedllent, but I would slice the "ing" forms off your verbs.
 — banditfemme

I like that idea, bandit, thanks!.
 — blee73

i love this.

-inutile
 — unknown

Thanks, inutile!
 — blee73

I really, really, really love this piece.  Maybe it's because I realte so much.  Anyway.  I really hate the title, though.
 — unknown

relate* even...
 — MEB

I agree, the poem is great.  The title could use some reworking.  Titles always are my thing, though.  A title can make or break it, ya know?

I especially love lines 4 and 5.  Great imagry.

On line one, I think there needs to be a comma after my faith becasue you removed the verb.  It sounds great like that, but acomma would.. make it an easier line to read, I suppose.  I believe it'd be more grammatically correct, too, but I'm not an english major.
 — MEB

Thanks for reading unknown and MEB. Titles are always problematic for me, so I usually find ones unusual enough to get someone to read further, attention grabbers so to speak. I'll try the comma in line one to see how it looks. Thanks.
 — blee73

I marvel at your writing.  Maybe after eggs in L11 add jelly (as in jellyfish?)  Just a thought.  Otherwise, it's as good as the rest of your stuff.  Love it.  Welcome to the #1 Recent Best spot.  Peace 'n love, Starr
 — starr

Muchas gracias mi amigo.
 — blee73

extremely clever. i'm envious.
 — lanezfairy

If you want to be creative add two more stanzas about how you regained your faith - even if you have not.
 — unknown

lanezfairy, thanks for the nice comment and for reading. Unknown, it's a work in progress is all I can say. Thanks for reading.
 — blee73

i absolutely love the title.
my only suggestion would be to change bakes to bake ("flakes bake" instead of "flakes bakes") and to perhaps include evolution. maybe "down past evolved sea things" or that the jesus fish is dead while darwin's fish sprouted legs and crawled away.
 — luvscost

luvscost, thanks for reading and commenting. On rewrite I'll revisit your suggestions.
 — blee73

hey, very nice!
 — shakes

Really good,but I  dont know about the ending.I liked 4 and 5 alot,and I think the title is great.Good job.
 — horridheart

shakes, horridheart, thanks for reading and commenting.
 — blee73

wot is a J-fish?
 — unknown

the poem is far better than the title would have me expect.
 — unknown

I actually got the "Jesus fish" from an episode of "Seinfeld" in reference to the fish symbol some people put on the backs of their autos to represent their Christian faith.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'll think about a title change, I'm not sure what else I'd call it...."Floater" maybe?
 — blee73

strange......I actually accidentally killed my youth group's pet fish named Jesus last Tuesday...and I now read this.  :(  Sorry to hear about that.  Ironic.  I'll be writing a poem about this experience, too.  I rated this good.  It was awesome.  Good jorb!  (;  Take care.
 — ducktape

no more walking on water
the fish float belly up,
lie scattered on a sun-baked beach
or stored in baskets with weeviled bread
rotting

children run from the smell
 — unknown

ducktape, thanks for reading and commenting. Sorry to hear about Jesus. Looking forward to reading about it.

Unknown,

I enjoyed your verse, I'd like to see an expansion of it.
 — blee73

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