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Wading Through Frogs
blee73

Wading through frogs
 1
going about business,
 2
not wanting God.
 3
the  yellowed dead
 4
button eyes
 5
bear witness,
 6
glinting in the
 7
stinking reeds--
 8
 
 
no forgiveness.
 9
crunching jellied
 10
bones among buzzards--
 11
swooping dark stars blotting
 12
the blood-rimmed sun--
 13
their hard, darting beaks going
 14
pick   peck     pick   peck   pick,
 15
raw cawing saw-winged Satans
 16
pulling at our pulsing hearts.
 17

2 Jun 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 8, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

This works -- everything about it. The shape is appealing. The space between lines 9 and 10 is a touching detail. I admire this poem. The assertion you make in Line 3 is bold but sound. There is evidence.

wonderful.
 — banditfemme

I very much like the contraction/expansion form.  The aesthetic is harrowing.  The onomatopoeia in L16 is awesome.

L17, though, doesn't fit.  The present tense of "echoes" is off.  Pyramids are too abstract of the marshland theme.  And you need a literal tie-in that matches "We don't want God" to keep the second stanza from being restricted to imagery.  Something that wraps the whole piece up.

L8 and 9 would be better as one line, as would L10 and L11.  The form is obvious enough, those breaks make it overkill.
 — unknown

didn't mean to post that anonymously
and forgot to rate it, anyway.  8/10
 — aurelius

could you simply say
"button eyes
bear witness"? seems to read smoother.
nice imagery.
not sure about pyramids, but I love the jellied bones and blackbirds, blood and beaks...really cool.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Hey everyone, thanks for reading and critiqueing. I'm at work now, so can't do much but thank everyone for taking the time.  aurelius, I'll take a closer look at line 17, it seemed awkward to me as I wrote it. Could you maybe give me an idea of what you mean by a tie-in for "we don't want God?" I'm not sure I understand what you mean, but would like to.
jenakajoffer, I agree with you about "button eyes."
As far as the reference to Pyramids and reeds, I was referring to Egypt, the Nile, and the Biblical plague of frogs; but it doesn't seem to me like I've done a very good job making that clear, so I'll take a second look. Thanks again everyone.
 — blee73

I was suggesting that the last line correlate in some way with the third line.  Because I get that "proud pyramids" is an homage to the Old Testament, but it's a stretch, and doesn't finish any of the thoughts you've started.

What do the blackbirds mean to us?  What do they tell us about God?  Our distance from Him?  Make them stand for something bigger.
 — aurelius

Thanks aurelius. I know what you mean now. Yes, the images in the second stanza especially seem a little bereft of meaning. I'll look into that.
 — blee73

Revised considerably, hopefully for the better.
 — blee73

Last line needs work. Maybe too much internal rhyme in 16. Not bad, though.
 — unknown

funny i am watching a moses flick right now.
 — jumpoline

"The Ten Commandments" is the only one I know.
 — blee73

i like the alliteration in line fifteen, think it would be noticed easier if placed in parenthesis and isolated, as a line of itself.

nice description.
 — listen

Great writing.
 — larrylark

I think I have another favorite poet!  
 — starr

nice job on the edits,
buzzards works well!
 — jenakajoffer

listen, starr, larrylark, jenakajoffer,

Thanks a lot for your feedback and comments. You don't know how I value good honest feedback. I'll look into line fifteen when I'm clear-headed enough to do it properly. Thanks again.
 — blee73

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