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Autistic Rituals: Damian's pearly whites

a dozen different
not mint or berry;
not bubblegum.
fish-flesh gums
from a row in the crowd;
mommy can't help,
she'll hurt him.
panic spirals
in the dentist chair,
his own little hands
muffle objections.
sugar-bugs make their bed
in melatonin dreams,
his sweet smile
slowly becoming a
demolition site.

1 Jun 07

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my only suggestion would be to lose 'his' in l7. as is, it reads like another child's hands are glued to his mouth...not what you want, right?

how have you been?

me ☺
 — unknown

thanks, I made a minor change to keep "his" in there, any better?
I'm just sitting here, just wrote this on a whim,
I know it's not that great, just something I was thinking of.
Been good, thanks  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

you have good whims:)
why are you (just sitting) there?
 — unknown

right there with the melatonin. stuff is magic.

well drawn, painted. id lose the last 2 lines. unless i dont understand them. they're superfluous, i think.
 — jumpoline

the second stanza is perfect. great poem
 — sunshinesgf

hi jumpoline,
thanks for commenting.
The aenesthetic mention is to help the reader realize how serious the problem is. (the only way to get his teeth cleaned is to put him under).
 — jenakajoffer

Jump, I see what you mean by the last 2 lines. I wanted to say "general aenesthetic" but it sounded crappy, quite possibly I could work it in somewhere else?  I really want to keep it since it is a huge part of the situation.
I will think.  Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.
Melatonin, yeah, no shit.  I'm screwed w/out it some nights,
(not to mention the wiggle worm).

Thank you sunny!
 — jenakajoffer

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