poetry critical

online poetry workshop



timing is everything
SilverScreen

Looking for some insight
 1
when the moment's just right.
 2
maybe you can shed some light
 3
on the days to come,
 4
maybe i can make you happy,
 5
maybe you can see the real me
 6
behind these walls that ive built up
 7
because i've been hurt to much
 8
but maybe you're one i can trust
 9
one i can give my whole heart too,
 10
and hopefully theyll fall
 11
just like the berlin wall
 12
then maybe youll be proud of me
 13
because i've worked so hard
 14
all just to be loved again
 15

i dont think its quite finished but tell me what you think

1 Jun 07

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(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

Caps are good things to use.  
moments = moment's (moment is)  Period needed end of that line.
Maybe - needs caps.
Line 5 - cap I - need comma end of that line.
Line 7 ive = I've

cause really needs to be 'because" in this poem.  to = too in that line.

You run on from line 1.  Add some stopping points or your reader runs out of breath.

Line 9 - your = you are or you're
Why did you change from you in line 9 to they in line 11?  Keep it the same.
Line 10 - I needs cap

I'm sorry but there is nothing unique or creative about this poem.  It's a run on sentence without any excitement or passion, just sort of a me, me, me voice running through it.

Can you make it something dynamic or passionate?  Even the way you've written it feels generic and flat.  Light your fire!
 — Isabelle5

i dont like capital letters lol but thanks for the ideas . its not even close to finished which is why i posted for help with it. thank you!
 — SilverScreen

you is a person and theyll is the wall btw in line 9 and 11
 — SilverScreen

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