poetry critical

online poetry workshop

timing is everything

Looking for some insight
when the moment's just right.
maybe you can shed some light
on the days to come,
maybe i can make you happy,
maybe you can see the real me
behind these walls that ive built up
because i've been hurt to much
but maybe you're one i can trust
one i can give my whole heart too,
and hopefully theyll fall
just like the berlin wall
then maybe youll be proud of me
because i've worked so hard
all just to be loved again

i dont think its quite finished but tell me what you think

1 Jun 07

Rated 5 (5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 5
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


Caps are good things to use.  
moments = moment's (moment is)  Period needed end of that line.
Maybe - needs caps.
Line 5 - cap I - need comma end of that line.
Line 7 ive = I've

cause really needs to be 'because" in this poem.  to = too in that line.

You run on from line 1.  Add some stopping points or your reader runs out of breath.

Line 9 - your = you are or you're
Why did you change from you in line 9 to they in line 11?  Keep it the same.
Line 10 - I needs cap

I'm sorry but there is nothing unique or creative about this poem.  It's a run on sentence without any excitement or passion, just sort of a me, me, me voice running through it.

Can you make it something dynamic or passionate?  Even the way you've written it feels generic and flat.  Light your fire!
 — Isabelle5

i dont like capital letters lol but thanks for the ideas . its not even close to finished which is why i posted for help with it. thank you!
 — SilverScreen

you is a person and theyll is the wall btw in line 9 and 11
 — SilverScreen

Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)