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Sonneta Erotica (for Samantha P.)

"This shower really is too small for two,"
I say as you strip down and dance for me.
"No, it’s not," you laugh and tease—you’ll see!
So I make space between the suds for you;
no room to breathe or sneeze a mere achoo,
face to face, breath to breath, and knee to knee,
‘til your hand leaves mine, slides into the v-
shaped chamber of my thighs and up into
the secret place I usually keep closed
and clothed and locked away from prying eyes,
fingers, digits, moving objects, noses,
zippers, and all.  And yet, with you, fear dies;
what’s closed can open, and you are my Moses,
parting sea, parting me, and giving rise.

1 Jun 07

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Oooooooooooooooooooooh..."parting sea, parting me, and giving rise..."  Very nice writing there.  Very powerful and passionate.  Our secret places tend to manifest in cliche when we put them on the page in writing, but still, this has a nice, clandestine feel about it.  Not too closed, not too open, just right.  I'd do away, personally with the "achoo" in L5.  A little too much information and comes off as redundance with "a mere sneeze."  It throws a "clunk" into that line that only interferes with the rhythm.  I like it.
 — starr

i really like this.
 — ribcages

Thanks, Ribcages! I look forward to reading and commenting on some of your work, too!
 — DrakeScott

I thought this was really well done and multi layered. Tender, intimate with a comic touch. Inspired.

Larry bathroom boy Lark
 — larrylark

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