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Jumbo (unexpurgated version)
unknown

The package arrived at nine
 1
twenty five in the morning
 2
still yawning, Jumbo filled
 3
with foreboding.
 4
 
 
It was his first pair of spectacles.                      
 5
 
 
He'd lumbered for hours
 6
when he could have smelled
 7
flowers, on a mission for vision
 8
through blurry frustration
 9
from optician's to optician's
 10
till he'd made his decision ...
 11
 
 
Wrap-a-round shades in untrampable
 12
polycarbonate. To be forwarded on completion
 13
of special enhancements to accommodate
 14
his rugged features.
 15
 
 
As the moment of truth now
 16
pierced his complexion
 17
dorkness set in
 18
on reflection.
 19
 
 
When he finally emerged from the long grass
 20
it was with heavy heart and legs like tree trunks.
 21
 
 
His friends had all herded;
 22
their stares minimized.
 23
As he shrunk up beside them
 24
there were tears in his eyes.
 25
Then Dumbo said "hey, you look quite
 26
like great Bono!"  "You two could be brothers"
 27
chimed Chumbo and Chomo    
 28
and when Nelly squealed
 29
like he was the 'real thing',
 30
from slumped to pumped
 31
Jumbo started to sing ...
 32
 
 
"Shades ... I got new shades.    Babes ... I got new ...  "
 33
  
 34
Cherma, his mother, broke off from her chores;
 35
face lifted to the sound of the one she adored.
 36
With a sigh of relief she exhaled,  "Ahh... men!"
 37
All's well with the world, he was sunny again.
 38

30 May 07

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Comments:

hmm...
 — unknown

remove possessives in L10- just 'optician to optician'.
L13 'upon completion'.
L15 not sure if 'rugged' fits, rugged implies masculine, handsome, focus on the boy's awkwardness instead maybe?
L18 'dorkiness' as opposed to 'dorkness', maybe seek out a better sub, not a big fan of the stanza as a whole, more could be done with it to make the impact more concrete.
L20 I'm a little confused by the 'long grass' reference.
L38 comes off a little saccharine sweet, too much so, good endcap thought but trite in execution. Go back through and tighten up the punctuation, too.
Fantastic story told. Poor Jumbo... dance and sing little man! 7/10 basically on basis of technique, The story and language are really good. Hope I was a help. Thx for the read.
 — rrichards5

Hello, rr. Ta very much for your detailed comments. I'm happy to go along with L10 and L13 but 'rugged' stays as we're talking elephants here! (hopefully that explains the 'long grass'. I'm also very fond of 'dorkness' / started off as 'darkness' and in fact I really like the whole stanza. L38 has to end like so because there's something else going on here which only folk of a certain era and musical taste will hopefully realize. I don't want to spill the beans as I really want this poem to work both with and without the smart alec stuff. Many thanks for commenting.
 — unknown

PLEASE give me the secret. I loved this poem (I'm a great fan of Babar). I thought I was onto something with "Bono" line 27 but somehow the musical "Spiderman" doesn't add up. At least give me some clues. Year or decade, performer? Blind singers? James Baldwin short story? Help!
 — erato

Be like a dog with a bono. The decade is swinging. ;)
 — unknown

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