poetry critical

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To the public

My girlfriends parents came to get her
after she threw up whilst thinking about work
she had to do in three days time.
sat in the car pretending to drive
watching them take a wrong turn
only to come round again
finally gone I head for the pub .
my seat free
pint half poured
paper spread out
hand against face
relax , breath .
a group of six come in
led by a man
who should have been part of them ,
" I'm paid to take you for lunch , sit down , shut up ,
well go to the fucking toilet ".
I glance at them
only to notice
the one who hasn't been washed in months
has a dewdrop hanging from his nose
half an inch long , green .
hand up , head down
drinking fast
just about to run
" you don't know me boy but I think you're alright "
says the pig farmer in the florescent jacket from my village .
twenty minutes pass
him speaking martain , me repeating myself
and one free pint .
I have to look up to see him ,
the table next to me has food now
I can't help but look
as I do it falls.
the drive home was quicker than normal
door double locked
curtains closed
feed the cat
threw up
to think I woke up this afternoon
to the feeling of a blow job
and the sound of rain.

29 May 07

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i don't get it
 — unknown

i do. hell dissected.
good poem
 — stout

Line 14 - led, not lead there.
I don't understand all the words here.  Marshion, what's that?  
This would be greatly helped with some more punctuation in pertinent spots and less of it in others, such as line 42 with the extra space before the period.

I am not quite sure what to think of this.  The snot line was fairly off-putting, though you captured the ugly reality.  

Stream of consciousness writing is hard to do effectively without punctuation.  Think about the fact that even though your thoughts are not written when they are in your head, your brain knows where the stops are, the thoughts have beginning and ending points.  It needs to be that way in writing them down, for the sake of the reader, who did not have the opportunity to be in your mind with you.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks stout .

thanks isabelle5 , i meant marshion as in what they speak on mars !
i know about the punctuation , i have tried to change it a bit .
 — unknown

 — unknown

Thanks unknown .
 — unknown

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