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At Mcdonald's,  
 1
the black man loiters
 2
by the drive thru  
 3
window profiling  
 4
customers as they  
 5
announce their order.  
 6
I watch him as he
 7
clicks fingers & baits  
 8
his head to and fro  
 9
aiming to catch the  
 10
eyes of a customer
 11
likely to be aroused
 12
by guilt, concern, or  
 13
neither save desire  
 14
to part easily with  
 15
a little change.
 16
    
 17
    
 18
I pick up my order,  
 19
fondle hot fries  
 20
with sweaty hands  
 21
and curse at the  
 22
injustice of lack  
 23
of straw and  
 24
napkins.
 25




transactions

28 May 07

Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
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Comments:

Hmmm...from the end of L12 with

"or...neither save desire
to part easily with
a little change...,"

I get the feeling that something's missing there that's upsetting the syntax, but what?  Maybe a comma after "neither?"  That line reads awkwardly for some reason.  Otherwise, a powerfully keen observation of daily life and of how much we take 4 granted even if we don't get a straw with our milkshake or napkins with all datt ga-reaaaaaaaaaaase.  Other than that little "clunk,"  I like this a lot.  I hope you parted with some of your change too.  :-)  
 — starr

This is good.  Only thing I might change is from Vex to Curse.
 — Isabelle5

thanks

changed
 — unknown

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