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Shirley
opal

I hold you close,
 1
inhale robust scent
 2
of empty coal sacks
 3
in this, our private place.
 4
Seductive smell combines
 5
bituminous black dust
 6
and earth.
 7
 
 
I hold you tight,
 8
eyes half shut.
 9
Squint, just able  
 10
to discern
 11
a heap of coal,
 12
a metal shovel
 13
through swirling,
 14
foggy shafts of light.
 15
 
 
Shirley, I love you.
 16
Your half-open mouth,
 17
curled, stiff eyelashes,
 18
glassy eyes, transparent
 19
kindly soul, but all
 20
in a moment I realize
 21
I don't have the things
 22
you need. I can't support you,
 23
who'll stay the same
 24
as I grow old.
 25
                
 26
Shirley, our life as two
 27
is ended. I must let you go.
 28
You hit the floor.
 29
Marble eyes close,
 30
I feel the world implode
 31
into the gaping hole
 32
that has become your head.
 33
 
 
I step back.
 34
What have I done?
 35
The screaming starts
 36
What have I done?
 37
Shirley, plastic princess,
 38
who is going to buy me
 39
another doll like you?
 40

28 May 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

wowowia.
L24 was a dead--give-away. still i could nt figure it out till the end.
Original and interesting.
I like stanza 3 a lot. i like your poem so much that i have already read it thrice.
thanks.
 — trochee

Thanks trochee - comment much appreciated - this poem is an oddity that I can't seem to place anywhere really, but perhaps given your comment I'll write a few more like this,
 — opal

Wow. When I think od all the teddies and toy soldiers that used to live cheek by jowl in my childhood and how bad I  treated them. This is fine work to which I will give a nepotic 10

Larry in the family Lark
 — larrylark

interesting.
L2 and 5 do not fit the rest of the poem, however. easily rectified, if you choose, by adding the omitted words (that were not omitted in the same manner throughout the rest of the piece).
8-15 should be all one sentence. either that, or L10 needs "I".
14-15 a little ham-handed.
well crafted, nevertheless.
 — unknown

originality and reader's intrigue are here all right.

personally i thought it was such a good way of saying something without letting it go throughout, except for the undertows within that let you add it up at the very last line. so poetic and metaphorical and descriptive until you give the poem a dead stop with that last stanza. closed it up so nicely.
 — listen

hi opal.
haha...great ending.
wonderful, as usual.

s
 — unknown

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