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one night only
miss_minx

this small haven of a place,
 1
we could linger
 2
till the lights outside are shut.
 3
here, i see only tealight candles
 4
reflected in eyes.
 5
we shake our haversacks off
 6
and share a pint.
 7
the tall guy on stage,
 8
starts to sing
 9
as from his back
 10
emerged flaming wings.
 11
he sings for the devil
 12
but it's the devil who brings us all here.
 13
and his hooded bassist
 14
could suck your soul
 15
of you aren't already in a trance.
 16
 
 
sprawled next to me,
 17
you could be my soul mate.
 18
but we'll never know
 19
for we both reek of sweet liquor
 20
that drips from
 21
the heart of the forbidden fruit.
 22
all because
 23
tomorrow i go back
 24
into the birdcage
 25
carried by the little boy.
 26

27 May 07


(define the words in this poem)
(24 more poems by this author)



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comments?
 — miss_minx

hie minx

the strong points in your poem: imagery, metaphors (tealight candles), the language.
the language really gives the reader the perception that the voice of the author is intoxicated. plus i could totally picture the emplacement, the environment which works for your piece. cheers!!!!!!

the weak points: you aint consistent with caps.
 — trochee

oh hellooo trochee! let's go for a pint someday.
 — miss_minx

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