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marmalade jar of cloudlessness
sparrow

I woke up to clouds again;
 1
another day of prospective
 2
seriousness awaits me.
 3
 
 
When the wrong breeze passes,
 4
making my heart beat
 5
out of rhythm and I
 6
find it hard to breathe,
 7
I wish I'd kept a jar full of
 8
the right breeze to soothe me.
 9
 
 
A jar still smelling of
 10
sweet jam or
 11
marmalade or
 12
peanut butter honey.
 13
 
 
And every time I feel I've lost
 14
my heart-rhythm, I'd open up
 15
that jar and send sweet breezes
 16
through the trees, bringing back
 17
my memories of cloudlessness.
 18

27 May 07

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Comments:

can someone help me with the title? It doesn't feel quite right.
 — sparrow

hello, sparrow.

nice poem about jam and jam.

consider a semi at the end of line 1. would also get rid of that 'again'.
and consider using 'perspective' instead of 'prospective'?

the 'and' in line 7 doesn't fit at all.
would get rid of that 'i' in line 8 too.

'that it once contained' is too dramatic. would you consider leaving that out?

'i'd' doesn't match with the rest of the poem. line 14.

hope that's some help, and it is what you're here for. again.
hope you are well.
 — varun

Thanks so much varun!
Your comments are always very helpful, I really appreciate it.
 — sparrow

It would be great if you could help a bit more though, since I have some questions to your comments.
I'm for instance not quite sure what to do with lines 7 and 8, just leaving out the "and" and the "I" makes me wonder if it still will make sense. Do you have any ideas for a different way to put it?
And yes, I'm well, hope you are too.
 — sparrow

AAAWWWW SHUCKS What a real purdy poem. I lurv sparrow pie.

Scarface
 — unknown

thanks for your comment Scarface, but I think you'll get some wierd looks if you go out ordering sparrow pie:-)
 — sparrow

I'm thinking of changing the title to "marmalade jar of cloudlessness", what do you guys think?
 — sparrow

sometimes you can overwrite a title.
 — unknown

so do you have any other ideas? should I change the "cloudlessness" back to "rightness"?
 — sparrow

i woke up to clouds again;
another day of prospective
seriousness awaits.

when the wrong breeze passes
making my heart beat
out of rhythm, i
find it hard to breath, and wish
i had a jar full
of the right breeze
to soothe me-

a jar still smelling of
sweet jam or marmalade or
peanut butter-

and for everytime i feel
the loss of heart-rhythm
i can open up that jar and
send sweet breezes
through trees, bringing back
memories of cloudlessness.
 — varun

Thanks alot varun, I've made some changes.
 — sparrow

What a great feeling of home. The desire we all have to always keep a jar of it close by, to just inhale and get a small whiff, of those memories.

Thank you for a great poem from the heart.
 — Jagdog

Thanks very much for your comment Jagdog!
 — sparrow

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