poetry critical : poem

Pamplona Roja

blee73

some day I’ll make something of myself,	1
seize the satyr by its hairy throat	2
like a matador	3
and squeeze	4
the wine from life’s bota,	5
smoke black cigars,	6
waltz on the precipice	7
before I’m gored,	8
bleeding on the sand.	9

26 May 07

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.

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Comments:

line 8 -- ditch the "ing" on waltz
economical and colourful
lovely sonics
— banditfemme

agrees with banditfemme on the waltz not ing
do matadors bleed on cobblestones?
good poem
thanks
— unknown

banditfemme and unknown,

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I will definitely change line 8. I think the "waltz" will work better. I doubt matadors bleed on cobblestones unless they cut themselves shaving, so I'll check into changing that as well. Thanks so much for your help.
— blee73

entertain 'bleeding on the sand'.
— aerol

Thanks aerol, I'll make that change. I think you're right.
— blee73

kill mythical. love bota. terse verse.
— jumpoline

Oooh....I'm married to that one. Oh well, "kill your darlings," so they say. I'll try it out and see how it fits. Thanks for reading and helping.
— blee73

i know you're married to it. now play like liz taylor and push it off a balcony.
— jumpoline

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