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infrastructural enema

this frenchie narrates the night,
confusing lapis lazuli with orange:
so someone gets a buzz
beneath these high voltage wires
recites The Hollow Men
screaming at a gutted midnight
underground car-park
flooded with teal light.
now i sympathize with the winged gulls more
than the hobos telling jokes begging for bus fare.
i notice the traffic lights dulling
through the months like extinguished coals.
i recognize the drawing
room of downtown square:
         a corner stained with
         brown weeds
         ash people
         and the punk salsa
         lapis lazuli hides.
we are in need of being broken
by some eventual eccentricity--
the tared obelisks we are
thrusting our edifices
into father sky.
one look back and we are vaporized.

25 May 07

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your 1st line was a sleek hook. Parts of this poem are wildly good, but a few details perturb:

please un-underline your title.
The questions don't make sense to me (as questions, that is). I think they should be statements. Questions in poetry work if you're teasing readers with a koan-- not when you're revealing experience.

Don't repeat lapus lazuli ( line 19 )
Consider deleting your final line.
Also rework lines 23 -24. Sky doesn't need to be repeated.

I see that you have already revised. Good.

Cut "eventually" line21

I am smitten with your two first lines.
 — banditfemme

bus fair?
 — unknown

bus fair. fare enough then.
 — unknown

I like line 19. Spell Check too.
 — unknown

I believethe stone is lapis lazuli.
 — banditfemme

XD thanks for the comments~ changes made.
 — Virgil