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infrastructural enema
Virgil

this frenchie narrates the night,
 1
confusing lapis lazuli with orange:
 2
 
 
so someone gets a buzz
 3
beneath these high voltage wires
 4
 
 
recites The Hollow Men
 5
 
 
screaming at a gutted midnight
 6
underground car-park
 7
flooded with teal light.
 8
 
 
now i sympathize with the winged gulls more
 9
than the hobos telling jokes begging for bus fare.
 10
 
 
i notice the traffic lights dulling
 11
through the months like extinguished coals.
 12
 
 
i recognize the drawing
 13
room of downtown square:
 14
         a corner stained with
 15
         brown weeds
 16
         ash people
 17
         and the punk salsa
 18
         lapis lazuli hides.
 19
 
 
we are in need of being broken
 20
by some eventual eccentricity--
 21
 
 
the tared obelisks we are
 22
thrusting our edifices
 23
into father sky.
 24
 
 
one look back and we are vaporized.
 25

25 May 07

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Comments:

Virgil,

your 1st line was a sleek hook. Parts of this poem are wildly good, but a few details perturb:

please un-underline your title.
The questions don't make sense to me (as questions, that is). I think they should be statements. Questions in poetry work if you're teasing readers with a koan-- not when you're revealing experience.

Don't repeat lapus lazuli ( line 19 )
Consider deleting your final line.
Also rework lines 23 -24. Sky doesn't need to be repeated.

I see that you have already revised. Good.

Cut "eventually" line21

I am smitten with your two first lines.
 — banditfemme

bus fair?
 — unknown

bus fair. fare enough then.
 — unknown

I like line 19. Spell Check too.
 — unknown

I believethe stone is lapis lazuli.
 — banditfemme

XD thanks for the comments~ changes made.
 — Virgil

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