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What Is Left

where once the
bright-lit, dauntless
sun seethed,
burnt out shards.
where once were
fragile, perfect
ice sheets still,
puddles of tears.
where once my
tendrils of thoughts
dared dream,
retreat to nightmares.
where once your
heart-driven desires
whose wants I
could not satisfy,

24 May 07

Rated 6 (6) by 2 users.
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stanza one needs a strong verb to match "seethed," "dared" and etc of other stanzas so it doesn't hinge on "was"...also, same stanza, how am i supposeed to read "still?" is this the verb? if so, maybe a comma, or maybe put it where "was" is or something...i dunno, this first one is a little chunky still. stanza four "who's" should be "whose"... hmmm i will revisit and rethink but i gotta go to work *face*
 — gem_grrrl

It doesn't flow well, particularilt the first two verses. The poem is a bit empty if you ask me.
 — unknown

Line 1 - don't you need were to match sheets, plural?

line 12 - do you mean whose?

I think line 13 needs to end in a comma, not a period, or line 14 just hangs out there alone.  

I'd really like to see each verse stand alone with a line like 14 connected.  The way you have these, with the only answer at the end, it feels like there is something important missing.  

I still like it, though.
 — Isabelle5

Ok. First off, many thanks for comments as always.

gem_grrrl I've made most changes you've suggested although I've kept the ice stanza.

unknown, great.

Isabelle5, taken most of your suggestions as well.

Time for school :(
 — DeathShards

Much better.  I'm still not clear in the final verse.  Who has the wants?  If you put an "I" after wants, it would be you who did the leaving, which is really a surprise and would work very well, I think.

 — Isabelle5

! yes  !  i'm glad i revisted. it's been long enough i can't remember the first version, but this is very nice.
at first glance i thought the juxtaposition of the short stanzas with short singles wouldn't work, but it did since you mirrored it grammatically. good instinct, that. then i thought the lack of punctuation would bother me. but you punctuate "I" in L15, making the speaker the only (how to put...?) object who gets true recognition which is kinda nice seeing the whole point of the poem.
"were" and "still" are still messin' with me, but since you've changed around it must be just me.
anyway, good job. (not trying to be trite, i really mean it lol)
 — gem_grrrl