poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the momentary nature of shadows
varun

on the sides of the teacup of morning
 1
and its shade, the sun seethes like sorrow
 2
of night past. the wait for momentary lapses
 3
in its recognition passes. realisation soon
 4
dawns upon the cracks in the floors that lead
 5
to another dead memory. for hours, listlessly,
 6
eyes have been wiped clean of visions;
 7
the fickle nature of shadows will not change,
 8
or metamorphose into something full of stillness.
 9
 
 
the need for silence tip-toes, traces the lines
 10
of where light had rested, and then moved;
 11
shimmering, hope pierces the air with
 12
stunning accuracy, brushes death from limp hands
 13
and floats. a statue released of the stoic curse shivers
 14
and cries; eases itself from prisms of the truth
 15
of lies and balanced perfection, embraces fragility.
 16
then with nervous palms, lowers to the floor, blows
 17
softly into thin dust, presses an ear down, and listens.
 18

24 May 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 10
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Comments:

i do like this as it's a theme of passing moments observed and trying to be captured but are as elusive as the words are inadequte

though still i do like some lines in this -

15 and 16 being my favourites - i will come back to re-read this and try to make more constructive critique

good stuff love it

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

hahaha amazing. i'm falling behind!
very wonderful, v.

i just have a couple of quick nits because i don't have all that much time right now.
i'll be back though for a more detailed examination. grin.

just noticing:

line 10: i'd get rid of "and then moved quicker than a synapse". it's kinda already
implied by the subject.

line 14: i'm going back and forth on "embraces". i almost want it to be "embracing" with you also removing the "and" before it.

that's actually all i see weird right now. probably not much more here.
be back.

smile!
midare
 — midare

many thanks to the mong for visiting. do come back and leave some more. i would very much appreciate.

midare, hello. you have been very helpful. your continued interest and your support is much appreciated. thank you muchly. muchly.
before i make more changes, i'll wait for your further commentary.

i do owe both of you some constructive comments. i will do that soon.
 — varun

hi v. thanks for waiting.

line 1: i think almost i'd want you to take that "teacup of morning" and make it an actual
teacup. like: "sides of a teacup in morning" i dunno.

line 8: nor instead of or?

line 10: i'm gonna stand by my previous comment for this one... i'm not
very fond of the phrase "quicker than a synapse" when it's referring to light.
cuz light is faster than a synapse. and implied. grin.

actually i'd only get rid of "quicker than a synapse". leave "light had rested and then moved"

hm. 13 and 14. i almost want to tell you to remove "truth, lies and" just leaving
balanced perfection. then you wouldn't have to change "and embraces". just an alternative to my previous crit. i'd definitely change it somehow though.

the rest of it is perfect. another wonderful work, v.

smile!
midare
 — midare

grrr... i'm hating this format.
 — varun

thanks midare.
sorry, but these line breaks need a lot of edits. hmm...
 — varun

oh, varun. (sighs.)

another great poem.

did you mean realisation? (or the z?)
 — listen

i would say that the first stanza seems to be an introduction to the noticeably better second stanza, which is unfair to say because they are both very nice vocations. i really like how you do not hold back on the language (like some of your others do, which isn't a problem i'm not trying to say that, i just like it when you say a lot with a few extra words and that is a crazy thought so just ignore this parenthetical analysis). very poetic. know that. (as you do; please don't ignore the second parenthetical response.)
 — listen

you know, i could imagine this with a little rhyme scheme. maybe redo this poem with that in mind; but you better not scrap this one!

but maybe just ignore this comment. it makes it seem as though i am ungrateful towards this great poem right here. (i could just picture this in a different format.)
 — listen

i don't think this needs re-working of line breaks.
i like it how it is.

but if you still want to see some changes, i can give it a shot.

smile!
midare
 — midare

listen, thank you very much. how are you? certainly made me laugh :)
midare, as always, i'd very much appreciate your help.
i think i have, now, a faint idea on how to break this up better.
so let me try it, and let's see what happens. yeah? okay.

hope yall are good and well.
 — varun

i prefer using english english spellings. somehow. like i prefer using urdu hindi spelling.
 — varun

i'd move floors in line 5 up to the end of line 4.
 — midare

rest is really good v. really really good. like i-wish-i-could-write-like-this good.
 — midare

what say to little edits?
 — varun

thanks midare :}
 — varun

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