poetry critical

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G flat major

The man downstairs
hates watching television
thinks I should be doing
something  manual
or watching Fawlty towers
always asking if I am ok
I want to say no but
I have always said yes
my thought displacement
has simply eroded the words
he wonders like most
how I can
watch television
read a newspaper
listen to music
and hold a conversation
last night he played guitar,
for those thirty minutes
my mind was content
not to think about myself
or my situation .

22 May 07

Rated 10 (10) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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*Fawlty? Good Poem.
 — unknown

I like the way this poem reads but I don't understand line 5 - Should that be 'Fawlty Towers' ? If it is why would he prefer you to watch it if he hates TV?

Also, I think it needs some punctuation, for example in the fourth verse there should be a comma at the end of line 17, it makes no sense without it.

I Do like it though.
 — Macbear73

macbear , thank you .
He likes films / dvds .
 — unknown

This has a very dark and mysterious kind of feel to it.  I like it a lot.  The mood is certainly there and well represented; painted in language.  Nice.  The title itself speaks wonders.  I would agree that with some punctuation it could be even more flavorful.  As it stands, though, not too shabby at all.  Right on.
 — starr

relentless...I understand this state of mind

I enjoyed this piece. Maybe using the words 'either be doing something manual or..' would convey the point, if I got the point being he wants you to do one thing at a time...

I wouldnt change a thing (maybe that above, but it is your poem).  
 — ilenelush

ahhh...yes I too like this. Buuuuut--(this is the part which sucks about crit's lol) I disagree about the punct. thing which is very unusual for me because as a rule I'm a huge fan of punctuated poems, lol--but I put my finger over the screen and it read fine without any, and to me it seems like if you are going to punct. a line here or a line there, you need to punctuate steadily...LALALA but anyway, it is a good poem, despite my punct. issues!
 — gem_grrrl

good poem. man downstairs must be a little cunt
 — stout

Thanks starr , it means allot , I loved the title , in French my name is G and the person below lives in a flat, apparently where he comes from it was compulsorily to sign up , he just missed it , I wanted to play with manual as in Manuel ( see below ) and link it to faulty towers ( English sitcom ) but the first two people who commentated complained about not spelling it write and I suppose I gave in . the place where we live is slowly being repaired and isn't the norm .

thanks gem_grrl , I'm not good at punctuation .

Stout , the man downstairs is a big softy .

http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=I_VYahjKldA
 — sir_I_clan

nice poem.
 — hank

Look in the mirror and throw a chair at it!  I'm just kidding!!!  Now I know who you are and I love the whole "G Flat" thing u got goin' on!  Awesome!!!!  I just changed my rating from a 9 to a 10.  Great little poem!  Peace!  Starr
 — starr