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Flourescent Intrusion

Clitoral stimulation has got to be at the top
of the list of things I would like done for me.
Next, you can fill my room with pink and peach flowers.
Then, go to the corner shop and get me a Magnum Classic.
While you're here, you might as well read to me.
Mrs. Dalloway perhaps, or something by Enid Blyton.
When you have finished all of these,
you may hold my hand for a while.
But before you go, turn the light off,
I do not want to die with fluorescent intrusion.

16 May 07

Rated 8.4 (8.4) by 13 users.
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Wow. I really liked this. It's quietly telling without being overly dramatic, although the last line is a wee bit cheesey. It could be titled better also. But I still think it's really good, the attention to detail makes it an enjoyable read.
 — bleach

Thanks! Can you suggest a better title suggestion? I considered clitoral stimulation as a cheap way of getting people's attention but I'm not sure if it would bring the right attention...
 — icepineapple

you've got a first line that draws the reader in but is only followed by disappointment. this is like finding out someone taped over your favorite porn movie with a partridge family episode.
 — unknown

1st and last are killers .
it starts of as young and ends up old , dying !
where are you in the uk ?
 — unknown

the last line isn't killer great. it's too flowery an image in contrast to the first.
 — unknown

You certainly grab the reader's attention in the first line. What I think I like best about this is that it really presents a strong voice, though it is dulled by the melodramatic intrusion of the last line. I actually think it would work better for me if the last line spoke more directly to the narrator's vanity: "But before you go, turn the light off,/appreciating the gleam of moonlight on my skin." Maybe something like that. Of course, if you are looking to jar the reader with the abrupt shift from demanding to melancholic, perhaps you've succeeded in your intent.

P.S. I can definitely identify with titling difficulty. Some other ideas from the text itself might be to just shorten it to "Top of the List"; or.. "Before You Go", or maybe "While You're Here".
 — DrakeScott

okay, I've edited the title and the last line, does it work better now? Thanks for all your other suggestions by the way.
 — icepineapple

it's almost perfect except i'd have Emily or preferably Charlotte Bronte being read to me instead ;)

 — Mongrol

Welll.... I admit I wasn't a huge fan of the last line as it originally was, but I'm not convinced the revision is an improvement. It's still a bit melodramatic, and stating "I do not want to die" so flatly doesn't pack the emotional punch it should. Perhaps if you were to more subtly allude to suicide/death instead, it would be more effective. Also, the title may be a bit too much. I think you were better off with the original title, to be honest. Overall, you are edging closer to a triumph here, though!
 — DrakeScott

nice poem,
I like the title and the opening two lines.
I love Enid too.
The calm you spread through this
feels like you're rubbing my temples.  
I think "die" is too direct but the word intrusion is perfect.
 — jenakajoffer

Hi Icepineapple

You finest and going in my fav's .Did you know that I am a world renown practitioner of clitoral finger relief and am also fair to middling at turning out lights.

Larry manicured nails Lark
 — unknown

This is really brilliant, I don't know what the last line was like before, but it sure is good now. It lends some dignity to death, if that's possible.
 — themorrigan

About that clitoral stimulation?  You know you can do it to yourself, don't you?  Shouldn't the last line be "of fluorescent intrusion?"  What you die of?
 — unknown

i love your poem.
 — jumpoline

No, last line shouldn't be "of" fluorescent intrusion, because that would change the poem totally. It's about somebody who's tired of fighting cancer, and knows death is very near, it has a very sombre undertone. But it would also be a cool poem your way the ending would be kind of sarcastic and the poem would be a humorous one, it's an interesting suggestion.
 — icepineapple

Holding onto dignity - brilliant.
 — dia

I agree with others that the last line is a bit awkward. fluorescent intrusion is a mouthful and it doesn't fit the simple literal language of the rest of the poem.

I also think a better title is in order. Something that alludes to the cancer would be more useful.

The use of "clitoral stimulation" seems a bit cheap as a mechanism for shock value. I think this is a point where some poetic device would be more artful.
 — rocket

At first I thought this was going to be trashy given the title but when reading I felt sympathetic towards the woman in the poem. My husband looks after a woman like this but with MS, the only problem is she thinks he should be giving her clitoral stimulation! I don't get angry though cos I feel for her. What a way to end up. When I first read the poem I thought, what a demanding cow but towards the end I saw why she was like this. You write well and don't put any obvious stuff in but show enough for the reader to work it out. The Enid Blyton touch, I think is quite sweet, shows her wanting to remember more innocent, carefree days.
 — angrychick

One last thing, would you think about changing the title?
 — angrychick

what the hell is this - this is no poetry workshop.  This wanker probably reads Dr. Seuss and eats green eggs and spam in her trailer.  The only stimulation she probably gets is from her stanky vibrator.
 — unknown

Thanks angrychick, that's praise worth getting. I think I probably should change the title since most of you have suggested it. Having said that maybe that's why you botherd to read it in the first place! I have one I will try out, but I welcome any better suggestions.
 — icepineapple

I like the simple style of this. It builds up a liking for the character, then drops the sadness in at the end, which makes it a great re-read, because you read it with different eyes. The end might be a little abrupt though, it almost feels like there should be something after line 8 and before line 9.
 — callingcard

haven't got a clue what people see in this.
 — unknown

There is no way at all that I would have reached the cancer conclusion.  What clues did you give so that we would know that?  
 — Isabelle5

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