poetry critical

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prodigy // tell me i'm your superman again
jumpoline

i read out loud by two and a half,
 1
  suck it baby, take me in your mouth
 2
in my head by three, got lost
 3
  you swee lil whore i wanna come
 4
in books; i missed a lot
 5
  hot on your pretty little face
 6
 
 
of real. math came easy, too,
 7
  and do another line. don't gotta beg you
 8
science, but i learned best to play
 9
  do i baby? mmmmn. i love that pussy. looks
 10
dumb which was smart in the school
 11
  jus like a rose. so baby do i make you wet?
 12
 
 
yard, and on the streets
 13
  c'mon tell me i'm your superman
 14
of brooklyn where the currency
 15
  i like it when you moan like that
 16
exchanged was less eclectic
 17
  hum deep back in that sweet throat
 18
 
 
than ideas. by ten i could hit
 19
  tell me i'm your superman
 20
a spaldeen ball two sewers, smoked
 21
  tell me how you love this rock hard cock
 22
candy cigarettes, stole my first
 23
  baby. take me in your mouth again
 24
 
 
grape soda from danny's candy store.
 25
   and tell me i'm your superman.
 26

13 May 07

Rated 7 (7) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 1, 8, 9, 10, 10
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Comments:

i love your poem.
 — unknown

thanks.
 — unknown

I wish I could read more of your writing.
 — Krttika

thank you krittika. i will keep you posted.
 — unknown

actually, here you go.
 — jumpoline

excited here to make a reading acquaintance with your work.
this poem is a good interleaving.   I think in time you may find ways to retouch,
just a bit, to make it a little easier for the first-time reader to follow it on in.

for instance, looking at V1, for sentence structure, I get lost at that vital beginning,
where a reader is either hooked in or locked out by the fuzzies of too-dense presentation.

just for showing, here are your first-voice lines.
the shorthand loses even me, a bit, even now with them easier to glean:


i read by two and a half, three
in my head got lost
in books, i missed a lot
of real. math came easy, too,

"I missed a lot of real."  (real what? reality?)
"I read by two and a half" would improve in grip perhaps if the word "age" were there to give the first time reader an instant handle on where the line is going
(because few of us can expect a 2 1/2 yr. old to read).

All in all, the poem is brilliant and raw and interesting all the way through.
It's your true life, I do suppose, and this is why the poem works:
Like with Justin Hyde's poems, you ain't lyin'.   It's all there--the brains and the vision
to lay the stream out in cogent lines.

Prudes will hate you, but hey, that's only penis envy.  They being dicks, and all.

Cheers,
Reid
 — netskyIam

i made a subtle adjustment. thank you reid.
 — jumpoline

Thanks for lifting your veil, jumpoline.
 — Krttika

haha this is really good. isn't "tell me i'm your superman" from an eminem song?
not that i'm complaining. the conjunction is brilliant.

fucking amazing title to boot.

smile!
midare
 — midare

i dont know the song, midare. sure krittika. veils are silly after all.

thanks, both.
 — jumpoline

damn,
this is clever.  nice work,
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I expect better from jumpoline.
 — unknown

It's hard to over-dub like this in poetry but you've done a very decent job of it.  Some punctuation changes would help perfect it but would not change the essence so maybe don't bother.
 — Isabelle5

thank you isabelle5

i expect zero from you, unknown, ergo i am pleased with my 1.
 — jumpoline

appreciate also, jenakajoffer.
 — jumpoline

Zero is all it should get.
 — unknown

i am doubly thankful for 2 ones. i just write so that people may read and maybe feel something.  i am actually pleased that you feel so strongly. tens and ones seem to be the currency of strong feeling.

if you are trying to upset me you'll have to do better than that. death and taxes usually work, if you're hell bent.

if my mood depended upon a top rated list, i think i'd probably consider slitting my wrists.
 — jumpoline

haha, good one jumpoline.
it is, afterall, a compliment.
 — jenakajoffer

bet your ass it is.

some philosophers think numbers are absolute. and mathematically they are. but as communicative entities they are prey to subjective reality.

my poem, my subjective reality.
 — jumpoline

Sorry, I feel that this is awful work.
 — unknown

your critique, your subjective reality. you see? we are both happy. you needn't be sorry. i'm not.
 — jumpoline

is there no objectivity in intersubjectivity?


deep thoughts from a coke addict
 — unknown

no, i dont think so. i dont think objectivity exists. if it did, as soon as one became aware of it it would disappear in a cloud of quantum shit.
 — jumpoline

jumponline: it s all quantum shit

ll kool j: ok kool i got hiv wanna take me in your mouth again? it s only words and shit. just a little acronym.

jumpoonline:  holy shit
 — unknown

my penis is approved halal
 — jumpoline

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