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can't pin a Sag...
jenakajoffer

but the Libra moon should've made it easier.



your scuff marks stain
 1
the tiles I’ll never scrub,
 2
missing buttons are free to go
 3
unmended.
 4
 
 
the last of the bottles salute
 5
when I open the cooler-
 6
you shoot your arrows,
 7
I never saw you so armoured.
 8
 
 
the symbol on my finger
 9
tightens my roar; silenced
 10
with every piece of glass
 11
you smile from-
 12
 
 
you feed me,
 13
lull me
 14
while I dream of your sex
 15
and smell of your wreckage-
 16
 
 
on your watch,
 17
the erosion of my bones
 18
will prove my fortitude.
 19

10 May 07

Rated 8.8 (9.2) by 6 users.
Active (6): 3, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 10, 10

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Comments:

Bravo!  This is one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read on P.C. in a while.  This comes from a Sagitarrian (12/12).  L's 21 & 22 are tremendous.  Love,  "Starr"
 — starr

I had NO IDEA who the writer was of this magnificent writing until I critiqued/rated it.  Now I know!  It's beyond awesome, Jen!  BEYOND AWESOME!  Love, Starr
 — starr

I am a sag too!

We rock, starr.
 — PollyReg

I always enjoy your writing, Jen.

Thanks,
 — PollyReg

See what you've started, Jen?  A Sag party!  PollyReg's one too!  Moon in Aries on Sunday again and the poem's still hangin' on up there after a month.  This has got to be one of your best in a long time.  Congrats.  Love, Starr
 — starr

Hi you,

Is sag what I think it means?
If so, you might want to capitalize the whole word as it is an acronym.
You know, if you didn't punctuate,
(don't tell Isabelle I suggested that)
the third strophe could take on dual meanings with those breaks.
Love the last two strophes.

me.
 — unknown

there is something very gripping in the direct opening of this poem which tells more about the "you" than any descriptive other choice would have: the honey of language in your words (a lot of verbs, throwing the reader from one state into another). The almost perfect line breaks make of this piece a masterful interplay between diction, rhythm and semantics, absolutely beautifully done.

I have very little to offer by way of suggestions.  For me, the first and fourth stanzas stand out the most ... and I especially like the alliterative quality to some of your word choices.  

I am not sure whether you want a comma at the end of line 14, for what comes after that now reads like a fragment.  I should think you want to say "the symbol on my finger tightens my roar" as one thought.  

Thank you for this on a rainy and cold Lancaster morning.  I will be back to read more.
Maria
 — slancho

ok just figured it out.
I honestly wasn't calling anyone a SAG.
Really.
You didn't have that intro when you first posted, did you?
Oh hell.
Maybe my weekends are booked now.

me
 — unknown

you know sagi's too well ;)

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Thank you:
Starr, always for the nice comments.  Your enthusiasm is contagious.  =-)
PollyReg, it's always nice to hear from you.
me, for reading, for the suggestions and for figuring it out, hehe.
maria, really appreciate your comment here, and
for catching that comma thing.
If the breaks are almost perfect, what would make them better?
Mong, you must be a Sag?

Jen
 — jenakajoffer

Oh girl!
You create an aura even before beginning with the poem with that intro.
Ok thats what you meant when you said you have thrown a lil astrology. lol.
I have always loved reading the intricate details in your work. On the contrary,
its becoming a preconceived notion for me every time i read one of yours. :D
I think thats your style and the USP of all your poems.
L 4,5 AND 6 really refreshing and original.

This one should be topping the charts. Amen!

The linebreaks are as perfect as formulae.

Its amazing how you pick on lil petty details
and churn them around so well.
Hence, i have decided:

Your observant eyes
shall never see me
in my solitude.
:D
 — trochee

i am scorpio rising. this is very good.
 — jumpoline

ah trochee,
you got me...i am a picker!  And, I have a crazy memory for details,
(to a fault probably).
thanks for the cool words,
and about your last statement:
(kinda freaky dude)
you are funny. =-)


jumpoline,
interesting that you should mention the scorpio rising; i didn't mention the scorpio cusp that's also weaved into this poem.  
That was awesome, thanks so much for your comments.
jen
 — jenakajoffer

heyhey
whaddaya say
of toads?
 — chuckles

Another gem.  
 — Isabelle5

Oh, Jen, you're getting better and better!
 — Isabelle5

Jen!  Who's the Sag?  Jumpoline's a Scorpio Rising and I'm a Scorpio Moon.  The moon pertains to emotions.  I tell everyone I'm deep, dark and disturbed and a sexy mofo!  Most Sag's ARE sexy.  It's those cute little bubble butts of ours...  Welcome back to the Top Rated List, Jen!  Well deserved.  :-)  Love, Starr
 — starr

I can't get enough of L's 18-22.  It's that "smell of your wreckage" line that I find so incredibly and impeccably written and inspired.  You go, girl!  :-)
 — starr

very much thanks to you, Isabelle.

Starr,
the Sag is my bachelor, my cheese lover, my hero, my ache, my tree lights,
my colour, my poo face...my inspiration.

Thanks so much for all your awesome comments.  I too, really enjoy that line.
I'm happy you are so fond of it too.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

12/17 here!

wonderful piece.

the image of the saluting bottles in the cooler is...well, cool.

I am not sure what this piece is about. about a husband who is protecting himself or someone you are looking at (not him) therefore the 'symbol on my finger tightens my roar' not allowing you to make a move...either way it is again a good image.

regardless, it made me wonder and read the poem several times. and isn't being thought provoking what writing can be about?

thank you
 — ilenelush

thanks ilene,
you get the poem just fine.
your comments were really nice,
thank you!
Jen-
 — unknown

Nice try, but it is poet envy. It is not a complete composition and screams - this is a clever poem like a poet I once read. It is affected to the nth degree. Some people are told that their work is a nice outline to create a poem from, in this case it is the other way around, go back a ways to make it something with inner meaning and not the bling.
 — unknown

btw, don't mention astrology, it just makes you seem a dumb blonde from either sex.
 — unknown

hello unknown,
Telling someone they have poet envy suggests that the writers sucks, and I don't think I do, but I'm not affected either way.  I will tell you that I did appreciate your comments.  
I have read them over and over to try and understand what it is you are saying.  
I think I get most of it.   I'm sure it will help in my learning process, hearing differing opinions.
I get the "astrology dummy" part, but you know, that's ok.  

If I was trying too hard, I would surely admit it,
but honestly, I don't spend that much time chosing my words when I write.

Thank you for reading and offering your thoughts.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

jen,
You do sound like a nice person, if I believed in astrology, and I don't, I might think that you were a Leo as I and we had a personality conflict - roflmao - The poem is not as bad as I had at first thought.
 — unknown

well, thanks...=-)
I know a lot of useless crap about the signs/planets but do not base my relationships on it.  I find it amusing to read about at times and an interesting topic to write about if one can use the "traits" carefully, involving a more personal glimpse, rather than a list of boring characteristics.  
Thanks for returning.

Didn't my "roar" give it away??
Not that I am a believer, what which are you?

Taurus?
Scorpio?
 — jenakajoffer

haha,
what witch
is which,
what?
sorry bout the typooooos.
 — jenakajoffer

Sag pinner!
 — starr

cant pin a tail
on a donkey
either
but can get a
very nice piece
of ass
 — unknown

there are snippets of greatness here, but it's not cohesive for me.
I don't really follow all the way... it seems like it's trying to be too academic and it is at a loss for "plain language" that is written the way it is spoken.
kind of like trying to make free verse with iambic pentameter... it sounds like Shakespeare, but it's not.  
Parts of this are very good--as a whole, though, it's not as polished as I would like it to be.
 — aforbing

aforbing,
i know, incohesive to some.
areas to improve/make clearer, yeah. I can see that it might be rough to speak,
but i hadn't intended on using plain language here-
I use plain to the max in most of my other poems.

Always good to get helpful feedback-
i really appreciate your comments which will no doubt help me along.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

i think
that to improve the readability
of the final area
of your poem
you might consider 21,22 combined
and
25,26 combined?
unless there is a specific reason for causing such an utterly stunted speech pattern?

while I dream of your sex  
and smell of your wreckage      

the erosion of my bones
will prove my fortitude

while I dream of your sex
and smell of your
wreckage

the erosion of my bones
will prove my
fortitude

byebye
 — chuckles

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