poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Desperate (hopefully improved)

Every time you caught my eye
I would look away and smile
Hoping you wouldn’t notice
That I was looking at you
You’re not what I expected-
A misconception.
When I talk to you
The faces of my wall
Stare down at me and laugh
When I realize you can’t
Bring yourself to respond.
This isn’t fair
You’re exactly what I’d want
If I didn’t already have it –
But what does fairness
Have to do with fate?
Time has passed so slowly -
But uncharacteristically quick
Was the way your existence
Rushed upon me.
Here we have a mutual understanding
That we want what we can't have -
But I don't even know if you want me.
I'm trying to get through this
But a glimpse of you
Is all I need to send me
Straight back to the possibility
Of an alternate reality
Which I'm trying desperately
To understand.

8 May 07

Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(6 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


This is a very bad poem.  Now, would you like to learn why it's bad?
I promise that if you hear me out, you will be happy and free of worry about this sort of thing.
You'll never again make such a poem.
You'll know to do such better things.
 — netskyIam

although i take no offense to your comment, netskyIam, i am sort of wondering why you remarked so negatively and then made this poem a favorite...
 — 1994

so he could keep track of it.
 — unknown

Very strange that!
I feel your desperation through your poem but sadly that's all I felt. It runs on and mixes itself up in places. Try giving your poem some structure, stanzas etc. It is easier to correct yourself if it is clearer to read.
There is no imagery in this poem, it repeats itself a lot, not word for word but it's like you say the same thing  several times but word it slightly different as if you are paraphrasing yourself.
You have the emotion and sensitivity of a poet but this poem does not have the words to make it stand out.
 — angrychick

It looks much better already, the breaks give new meaning and emphasis.
Logging off now but will come back to offer some help with your wording soon, though it doesn't need as much improvement as I thought now you have broken it into stanzas. Can't believe what a difference that made!
C ya soon
 — angrychick

Yes, that's why I marked it in favorites--so I could find it again.
Know that I would not want to hurt your feelings at all!
The reason I commented was to give you some attention;
and we can all learn (I learn too) from the results of our mutual reactions.
The poem is already getting better!  Now, later on when I'm more attuned
(in the right mood, I mean) I'll come back and talk about the poem.
There's only so much you can do with this sort of poem.  Why??
-The basic trouble is that it's all about -you- and how -you- feel.
It is a poem made for self-therapy (release of lonely tensions).
So many beginner-poets start out this way.  So---whoever wants to read
yet another-such woe-is-me spilling of the soul-waters?  
Not I! I've read a thousand poems not unlike your own.

A poem, to be good, should be uplifting, OR fascinating for some new reasons.
OR it may be beautiful, showing some commonplace thing in a new light.

If you read great poetry (go ahead and start!), you'll begin to see what makes
an arrow to the heart....

NOW, mind you, there, I just committed awful sin! A =cliche= (heart, arrow).
Don't =you= do =that= again!

Smile and be happy humble.  We must all be humble.  Especially the bumbling

 — netskyIam

thank you for your advice.  i really wasn't bothered by it.
 — 1994

You already have it?  Are you about to cheat or what?  I like this but periods would be helpful.  It makes me think of the Pussycat Dolls saying, "Let's keep it friendly, you have to play fair."
 — Isabelle5

That is really good advice from netsky.He is right, so many beginner poets or even experienced poets who have written a lot for friends or family and are told they write good poetry but who have never received a proper crit or entered a critical forum. When I began on this site,(I was someone else then) I thought I was a great poet.I'd written from when I was young. People always told me I was a good writer; I thought was deep, full of metaphor with rhyme, always with rhyme! So much angst and emotion to give it a dark feel, lots of cliches  to back it up too! I was devastated with the crits I got. I had never felt so insulted in all my life, lol. Some were really cruel with it too. I'm glad I stayed around though cos I learned to ignore the insults and welcome feedback. Sometimes I still write a really bad poem and laugh when I realize how bad it is.
You have the idea of form, and certain arrangements of your words are good. It's your imagery and vocabulary that need work. You repeat the same feeling from beginning to end. It's good to have a topic but to refer to it in every line is telling rather than showing. Don't delete this cos it's not a bad poem at all. The fact that netsky has marked it to keep track of it means he sees your potential.
 — angrychick

ok.  i'll clear a little bit up.  

i'm not offended or hurt in any way by any negative comments.  i welcome all feedback.
i don't think i'm a terrible poet, but i don't think i'm the greatest.  
i already knew this poem wasn't that good.
although the title of this is "Desperate," really the theme (i guess you could call it theme...not too sure...) is confusion, not "woe is me."
i don't usually write "woe is me" anyway...

but thanks for your feedback.
 — 1994

Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)