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Untitled-any suggestions?
Trish77

Untitled
 1
 
 
When I was a child I wanted to be a freedom fighter, join the French Resistance, and save Anne Frank from the Nazis.
 2
When I was a child I wanted to be a Northern Irish policewoman, wear a green uniform, and put those who used bombs instead of words in jail.
 3
When I was a child I wanted to be William Shakespeare, use a quill pen, and write the perfect words for every situation.
 4
When I was a child I wanted to be Slyvia Pankhurst, wear corseted dresses, and starve and fight for a cause.
 5
When I was a child I wanted to be Albert Einstein, work in a patent office, and change history with a single thought.
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When I was a child I wanted to be a famous Irish poet, like Seamus Heaney or Oscar Wilde, and write poems that made you think and smile.
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When I was a child I wanted to be an English politician, sit in the House of Commons, and shout.
 8
When I was a child I wanted to be Benjamin Franklin, invent things, and have commonsense opinions.
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When I was a child I wanted to be Karl Marx, work in a factory, and make all money disappear.
 10
When I was a child I wanted to be an international reporter, go visit every other country, and meet people just like me.
 11
When I was a child I wanted to be an Israeli diplomat, shake lots of hands, and break down a wall.
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When I was a child I wanted to be a history teacher, live in a time machine, and write fascinating books.
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When I was a child I wanted to be Siddartha Gautama, sit crossed legged, and ride on elephants.
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When I was a child, I wanted the world to be one country, so we could all have lots of friends, and learn lots of things.
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When I was a child, I learned something very important…
 16
I learned how to dream.
 17

I am trying something new. I am looking for honest crits and suggestions for a title that isn't blatant or gooey. And if you post a comment, and you want me to, I can reciprocate.Thanks!-Trish

2 May 07

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Comments:

HiYa Trish,

My problem is this: I can't begin to think of a title because my brain is nailed with your repetions:

When I was a child, I wanted

I know it was a deliberate choice, but it doesn't work well for me. Too many I's!
The information is delightful, but the format does no service to your poem. And I think lines 16+17 are gratuitous.

This poem has more serious glitches than title-finding.
 — banditfemme

please tell me those serious glitches. this is not my genre. I am thinking of children's book lines so hence the repetition. I agree with 16 and 17 but I feel its need some conclusion, some purpose, rather than nostalgia. hey thanks a lot.
 — Trish77

Oh, that is entirely different, in that case. If the intended audience is children ( what age, I wonder --8, 9, 10?) then your form makes sense.

Maybe if you delete lines 16+17, you could re-work them into your title:

Learning How To Dream
 — banditfemme

yes yes yes yes yes! great title. then eliminate 16 and 17 yes! hey thanks! Yes for kids age 7 or 8. Hey I tried to crit your stuff but I am so unfamiliar with the style and genre I don't think I could do it justice. If you have any dark satirical politically edged stuff, drop me a line. I really appreciate your help.
 — Trish77

Trish,
At 8-9 years old, this repetition would also be too young for them. Why not just say "I was a freedom fighter, joined the french resistance etc etc. and end it with 'I was a dreamer' or something like that. I wanted all those things too. :) How about for a title, 'What I Was' or ' Dreamt' if you want to telegraph.
 — mitchl

By the way. Seamus Heaney is one of my favorites also.
 — mitchl

thanks mitch for your suggestions. I certainly don't want to patronize the kids.thanks
 — Trish77

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