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Running Dog Woman

Her mushroom feet
barely perturb
pink earth.
On the edge Of Trespassers' Den
she drops her sin
into a fickle wind.
over derelict fence,
her rough legs stalk
his blond scent.

2 May 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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oozing modifiers
 — unknown

Yes, you're right. Absolutely. I'm going to hack away now. Thank you.
 — banditfemme

My, what a lovely little poetic grenade.  
Impact in fifty words or less, many kudos.

My only tweak is with lines 4-5.  While I like the image of "with a cherry rash," it seems a grammatical switch from the rest somehow (I just don't have the right words to elaborate); I think I'd rather not have the change of voice, going from a somewhat familiar "her" to a more distant, formal "this girl."  Would you consider a simple substitution of "she" for lines 4-5?  or altering line 5 to something like (this girl) "of cherry rash ____" ?

Whatever you choose, this is fine work.  Thanks,
 — mikkirat

Thanks, My Mickey,

I've decided to tweak this-- remove some stuffing. Trying to run it lean and wild.
 — banditfemme

your theme is constant....

it is very easy to identify you...your style is recognizable after only a few reads.  Good
 — themolly

I like the last two lines of this piece best.
 — JoelJosol

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