poetry critical

online poetry workshop

You feel this disorder?

You feel this disorder?
Death placing its order?
Cry out to the night.
Break down just to fight.
Lose hope just to say,
You’ll get better one day.
Fix itself, shift itself,
Disappear at a glance.
Playing this game,
Learning this dance,
You’re taught how to lie.
You’re taught how to die.
You’re shown that there’s no one who can just tell you why.
So you hold on, stretch on,
Bleed through your skin.
Knowing every moment,
Your line’s growing more thin.
Out of breath, out of order,
Resulting to shame.
Leaving your sense
With the chance of your fame.
Getting old, you can see,
Fighting with fire.
Fighting the things your mind wont let you expire.
How long do you have?
How long do you think
You can keep up this act,
Fucking living with ink?
Writing your script,
Giving a show,
Making them happy,
Without letting them know,
How far you’ve crossed over.
How stretched you’ve become.
Losing your light.
Losing your will.
Getting so tight,
Getting so ill.
Not able to see the glow you once had,
So taking your chances,
Breaking the lances,
Leaving the rules,
You know what your stance is,
And that’s all that's needed,
To ignore all the glances.
So let it all go. It’s not worth all you fight.
Fuck it all, you don’t care if it’s right.
It’s easier this way.
It’s easier to leave.
Yet knowing you're leaving your loved ones with grieve.
Tuff decision to make,
Be selfish or fake,
The life that you’re living,
The love that you’re giving,
So they can live normal,
A blessing they’re given,
Don’t waste your time wondering why it’s a curse you’ve been livin'.

2 May 07

(define the words in this poem)
(2 more poems by this author)

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I love the sentiment but am distracted by change in rhyme scheme and misuse of words. I love rhyming poetry but it has to be tighter. Around line 18 I was waiting to hear disorder or marauder. Line 50 needs major fix. Line 57 if you are going to write livin' write livin' not liven its sounds weird; it detracts from you critical and dark perspective. I think this is one of those dark poets rants (which are great and necessary) but you need to go all the way with it. Shout at me, depress me, bring me in. Thanks for posting
 — Trish77

thanks, but honestly, i view this piece of work more as more of a song. rap i'd suppose would be the best choice. read it with a beat. you'll see what i mean.
 — joewaysack

Oh no, I got the beat, I do something similar but I think you can turn this rap from eminem to NWA with just a bit of work. But hey, if you're happy, go with it, I am more a nu-metal girl myself. lol.
 — Trish77

haha, well i appreciate it none the less. It is what it is. Spoke through my heart and i see no need to fix that.
 — joewaysack

"Joe Waysack owns Westminster High."
 — unknown