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Sojourns of a Melody

Wisps of an arpeggio
Rippling like clear waves
Scattered by an unknown hand
To lap upon capricious shores
Sweet Song stretches languidly
Sprawled across the waving green
Directing all roads
Into the Elysian Fields
There haunting the plains
Walk the shapeless contours
Of untamed emotions left unfettered to run free
Pounding out the irresistible rhythm
Of a march towards an unknown
Distant horizon
There liquid fire sears the rivers of impulse
The serenity of its surface
Conceals the sweeping current
Its veins throbbing a silent threat
Of poison laced intoxication
Raging through its heart
And silkily coiling around cold metal eaves
The tinkling of aluminum drips with velvet tunes
Screeched from the lungs of five stringed throats
Echoes until evermore
An ageless primal call
A melody wanders eternally among
The squalor of an iron city
Hers a kaleidoscope beauty

27 Apr 07

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 — azure

I like the intent of this. There are some things I find awkward here. Switching syntax - poetic phrasings, are useful to bring the reader's attention to a particular phrase, but you have done this throughout the entire poem, so it's hard to focus... like a melody, a poem should have highs and lows, rhythm and flow, but here, each line seems equally important, so makes it feel like the end of the poem is not the end. It also causes you to miss some subject verb agreement (e.g. line 6 "contours" is the subject, so the verb should be "walk")

Same with verb tenses... is there a particular reason you switch from present progressive to present and back throughout?
 — unknown

Thanks for the useful criticism, poem is now edited and updated.
 — xPandorax