poetry critical

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on loud noises and reasons.

it hurts, this echo
this loss of something solid
to shout back towards,
so since we met
i have dreamt
in consonants and metaphors,
grasping for a world where
the word together
was a bit more concrete
than this and ours.
here, i am alone
yet in recognition we
are here now
and not as familiar
as i once thought we should be.

23 Apr 07

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 — midare

very nice poem, midare.
 — unknown

 — midare

read this poem.
 — unknown

the 3/4 comma/break could be done better?
so doesn't fit.
just a thought...
 — varun

consider also
'since we met
i have dreamt'
 — varun

mm thanks v. made a few changes. better now?
 — midare

spot on with the edits. reads well now.

now, for a wee bit of nitpicking...
i think the weight of this poem is on lines 9-11.
this is where everything happens. but i don't know
the 'this' and the 'ours' and 'where' you are alone.
though, if i follow the narrative of your poems, the linear events and the messages in the progressive postings, the meaning of this is evident.
but i think i'd like it to stand alone more than it does.
which means that maybe a little context is missing, which you might consider adding?
what do you think?
 — varun

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