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The Japanese Chambermaid
banditfemme

Her seasonal thoughts
 1
age in the courtyard;
 2
she composes brave haiku --
 3
 
 
shy stolen moments.
 4
 
 
secret tumult,
 5
a stung violin, stretches
 6
under thrum
 7
 
 
"How will I be seen?"
 8
 
 
Looking down
 9
on stubby legs,
 10
shame blossoms:
 11
 
 
salty zen notes.
 12
 
 
One night
 13
inspired by the soldier,
 14
the actress
 15
 
 
and their indescribable bed,
 16
 
 
she bends to taste
 17
grimaces,
 18
an unclaimed devotee.
 19

22 Apr 07

Rated 9 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

nicely constructed poem.
 — unknown

nice poem.
 — varun

  But perhaps within your body of poetry as a whole "zen" as an adjective grows to mean something. I like it here. I like shame blossoms and brave haiku.
 — unknown

hot
 — jumpoline

this is a bad poem.
this is an equally good try.

it's all there except for any conviction whatsoever.
there are many things i'd like to complement:
brave haiku
stung violin
8
9-11
she bends to taste

but it dont ring.
why i dont know.
ask yourself.

it happens to everyone,
so let us know.
 — gnormal

the heart of the problem is 12.  
i have a violent reaction against this line.
there is no possibiliyt whatsoever that it is sincere.
if i were wrong your poem would sing.
it doesnt.

but go on.  i have dogs like this.  
you can find them.
being sincere can be learned
like anything.

i hate this poem but you can write!
 — gnormal

Thasnk you Varun and the playful jumpoline. Unknown, thank you for reconsidering my zen corpus

gnormal...

You have come fairly close to hurting my feelings. How can you be sure that I am not sincere? I don't see how you can measure a stranger's sincerity. For example, I believe you are sincere when you claim to hate my poem. I sincerely do.

bF
 — banditfemme

youre right, i cant be sure.
but that's what i think.
not sure why i was no ungentle last night.
(i like you but i still dont like this poem)

why did you write it?  who is it for?  who is she?  you?  me?
 — gnormal

HiYa g-g-g-g-g-normal ( Ah, that is a difficult name to get our right) so.....

It's much better that you dislike my poem than you dislike me. Actually, I'm taken with the minimalist movement, but save those for Poetry Hotels with Special Forums and such.

Please don't be perturbed.

bF
 — banditfemme

I think this should be banned.
The word 'Japanese' offends me.
 — unknown

yeah, yeah, you're a champion of free speech, we're hypocrites, all that rag...

PC sees someone like you every couple of months, then you get distracted or fed up and move on

fischer-price revolutionaries
 — unknown

I've been on this site since its conception.
You offend me. You should be banned.
 — unknown

who gives a damn how long you've been here?

you still have the creative politics of a hot topic ad exec
 — unknown

You care. You said:

"PC sees someone like you every couple of months, then you get distracted or fed up and move on"

When in fact I've been here for years.
Your lack of intelligence offends me. You should be banned.
 — unknown

Ermmmm...... are you poets talking to me? If not, I'll stay out of it. How can you tell one unknown from another? How do you know you're not talking to yourselves because it sure looks that way to me.

Enjoy!
 — banditfemme

your inability to understand a written statement offends me, but i don't want you banned.

i said PC sees someone like you every couple of months- not that you haven't been here for years. see how there's a difference between what's said?

i said that people like you move on- from the subject, than do it over again later, not that you leave.

what's your repetitive response? you find something offensive and that it should be banned? i didn't see that coming...
 — unknown

But I assure you, your lack of intelligence, seen best in your inability to properly construct your sentence to imply your full message, is what offends me.

Yes, you should be banned.
 — unknown

if a full meaning is displayed immediately, then no implication has occurred. it's alright that you feel the need to defend yourself for jumping on something and trying to run with it as an accusation of lack of intelligence, just take a deep breath and drink some water.

or is water offensive and should be banned?
 — unknown

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