poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Rose Fingered Dawn
Mongrol

Gather by dew storm
 1
and anticipate
 2
the canvass stretched
 3
over the frame
 4
of most subtle morning.
 5
Behold
 6
the artist's damp strokes
 7
and promises fern-coiled,
 8
moisten your eyes
 9
in the blushing most
 10
passing fair
 11
rose fingered dawn.
 12

21 Apr 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 10 users.
Active (10): 2, 5, 7, 7, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

nice pome, mongrol. very nice images.
i'd like to suggest some line-breaks, if i may:

gather by dew storm
and anticipate
the canvass stretched
over the frame
of most subtle morning.
behold
the artist's damp strokes
and promises fern-coiled,
moisten you eyes
in the blushing most
passing fair
rose fingered dawn.
 — varun

yes thank you Varun - that's much better placed arrangement - I tend to write my stuff by hand first and am often trapped by the form the hand creates.

lack of capitilisation on all lines too you think? I'll try it first with the caps but with your new arrangement - then see from there

:)
 — Mongrol

well, considering the only two capital letters, i guess you can make that call? ;}
i think they fit well, though - the caps that is.
 — varun

hey, thanks mong. that's exact like i said.
thanks for taking my suggestions.
 — varun

thank you Varun  - that was constructive direction you gave there - and i have to say the piece flows and its placements work to enhance this - where emphasis should be - and to allow the reader to move between the imagery is most important

credit to you :)

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

email.
 — varun

what i like about the first line is the duality of 'dew/due'. beautiful.
 — varun

especially as followed with anticipation. wonderful.
 — varun

This has a sort of Zen or translated Chinese feel to it with the short, dense lines.

Line 8 threw me off a bit with "promises", at first it seemed like the verb tense was wrong, it's an unusual sentence. I had to read it three times before I got it. I think it detracts a bit, a less inverted, more flowing sentence would be more enjoyable. Even the simple change of moving "fern-coiled" before "promises" has a dramatic effect on the flow.

My strongest impression is that this reads like a haiku with too many syllables, I end up feeling a bit out of breath reading it. Measuring out the lines slightly differently could address this.

Hope that helps.

Regards,
 — rocket

hmm fern-coiled promises.. interesting arrangement rocket... yes lets see here..

and im very happy that you got the Zen(ish) quality to this - it is one of those transcendental moments of sensate experience

A Satori of incomparable beauty, and the preparations for the meditation

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Beautiful. I'm so happy that I read your poetry.
 — Jenz

such a dirty little title
the poem doesn't come close to living up to it
 — unknown

the title isnt the point... but its double nature is well know to me ... still.. if you view the title from that one interpretation then you miss why it fits with the poem perfectly.

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

i am very familiar with the loveable cliche "rose fingered dawn" as i am such nonsenses as dew storm and damp strokes
 — unknown

thanks for your comments Mor.. nice to see you're coming out of the closet at last

as for cliche... it is 'borrowed' from a very classic english epic - I will let you do the detective work as to which fantastical work it is from however .. as for you being familier with the terms 'dew storm' and 'damp strokes' relating to the contexts in which they are placed in this piece... well... let's just say you need to try harder Mor if you intend to critique my original arrangements and imagery... as yours leave much to be desired as far as originality is concerned.

and be brave Mor... post comments in your login,,, not under the 'unknown' nonclemature..

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

keep searching for that satori for yourself Mor... you are in desperate need :)

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Great poem.
 — raygold

thanks ray :)

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

i am not mor, my criticism is not about you, but about the wording of the poem - go peddle your hook and illiad bait where the fish will bite back
 — unknown

Thanks Mor for the confirmation ... it is pretty obvious it is you .. the form you write in there pretending it's not you have been observed before... even to the slight grammatical mistakes made in the presentation and intent.

The form is observable in postings by your 'unknown' self and your 'Mor' self.

However, your comments about my poem haven't offered any insight or directive construction regarding anything to do with this poem. It is an entirely person opinion you place here. Which is fine, but is ultimately yours alone and affects nothing.

As the author of this piece i'm perfectly content with it.

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

i am a little abashed by the high scores it has got tho - im not entirely sure it deserves such accolade - but thank you to everyone who has given this such a high rating.

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

let me   SPELL   it out for you, this is your poem

Gather by dew storm and anticipate the canvass stretched over the frame of most subtle morning. Behold the artist's damp strokes and promises fern-coiled, moisten your eyes in the blushing most passing fair rose fingered dawn.


YOU USE OVERMODIFIED ABSTRACTS THAT MEAN NOTHING AND CONVEY LESS: DEW STORM and  DAMP STROKES BEING TWO OF THE MORE OBVIOUS

YOU ARE CAUGHT UP IN OVER-POETICIZING: MOISTEN YOUR EYES IN THE BLUSHING. WHICH BY THE BY SHOULD FOLLOW A SEMI-COLON NOT A COMMA, OR AT A PUSH A PERIOD

THIS IS NOT GOOD POETRY IT IS BAD. DON'T WORRY FEW PEOPLE HERE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

SO IF YOU LIKE IT JOLLY GOOD. MOST PEOPLE WHO ONLY THINK THEY'RE GREAT WOULD TOO.

NOW GOOD LUCK ON YOUR AMATEUR POOTRY CAREER I'M GONE
 — unknown

  thanks for your comments - they've been noted and filed -  but still your comments are based on personal opinion and offer nothing more than overstatement themselves - this poem is simplistic and tidy and is in no way 'over-poeticised' lol

but thanks tho for your input - it still hasnt changed anything

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

I keep going back to the title and Line 12, and my twitchy fingers want to insert a teenytiny little hyphen between "Rose" and "Fingered". I realize you may be reaching for the double-entendre, but it's almost too much. That having been said, this is a very economical, dense piece. I love the sound of "fern-coiled".
 — DrakeScott

yeah, i don't like it. its a mouthful. blah.

i spent a day last week vomitting my fucking face off with the worst bloody hangover i've ever had. i can't handle mouthfuls of anything anymore.
 — OKcomputer

i suggest you rethink the line breaks. the long sentences read too fragmentary.
 — aerol

> I keep going back to the title and Line 12, and my twitchy fingers want to insert > a teenytiny little hyphen between "Rose" and "Fingered". I realize you may be
> reaching for the double-entendre, but it's almost too much. That having been
> said, this is a very economical, dense piece. I love the sound of "fern-coiled".

Hi drake - thanks for your comments - yeh i did consider the double nature of the title for quite a while before i thought it didnt matter - and knowing it would be read in both ways i decided to assert it in place as relative to the poem most definately, as you see but the poem itself defines the title as one and not the other :)

but yeh its still going to be an issue there thats true - ill definately consider your idea of the hyphen Drake

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

0.404s