poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Newcastle, 19.04.2007
slancho

Refuse
 1
the romantic fighting against
 2
affirmation,
 3
the impression of wholeness
 4
derived from wind-productive energy,
 5
this cocky weather,
 6
and the anonymity of imagined beings
 7
taking you to task for
 8
a life of mediocre value:
 9
 
 
rumour has it that idols die
 10
from uncritical devotion
 11
and the interruptions of hazardous
 12
dissidence.  
 13
 
 
“I,
 14
too,
 15
have wanted there to be a mirror,”
 16
a space beyond articulation, un-
 17
trapped between grammar and punctuality,
 18
profane in its uncensored, naked beauty -
 19
seductive, beyond callous polemic.
 20
 
 
But faith travels easily, folds without fight
 21
along wine glass bellies and,
 22
almost without issue,
 23
outdoes final interpretations
 24
and the ways in which they cannot stabilize
 25
or make certain
 26
our insistence
 27
on being beyond the word,
 28
where language is never endangered,
 29
heart-proof,
 30
nor recoverable.
 31

21 Apr 07

Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 8, 9, 10, 10
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Comments:

blown, away. as usual. very nice work. incredible flow.
i'd like an answer to my question i asked myself
'idols die from uncritical devotion', for what? but i have to read this many times more.
would you consider a '-' instead of a comma at the end of 19?

i love that you say that faith folds along wine glass bellies. such a great thought.

lines 21-29 are beautiful, even though it's one sentence.

would you consider either 'or' or 'nor' before recoverable?

also, did you mean endangered - l28.

best.
 — varun

or engendered? most likely endangered tho :)

there are some very interesting speculations and thoughts here

7 > 9 for example is a well observed human condition i believe

10 > 13 is a stand out moment in this piece - an answer to the previous lines

I cannot find fault in any of this - Varun has spotted the grammatical 'errors' already

I am truely captivated by your crafting of idea and language all the way from line 14 > 29

A well thought out and rendered poem - deserves a high rating

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

thank you, both varun and mong, I appreciate your comments
the "nor" in the last line is what I have been looking for all morning, thank you for spotting the need for it, Varun, I am, always in need of your eyes
And yes, it is endangered ... what a silly typo
Thank you both for reading, I wish you a wonderful day
Yours very kindly
Maria
 — slancho

the speed of faith is always less than the speed of light


only fools rush in...



nice poem Poncho
 — unknown

faith folds along wine glass bellies? please expound


god fills in the gaps out of expediency

L 10 = "it"   error
 — unknown

perhaps it should read on line 10

'rumour has it, idols die' - the word 'it' is part of the phrase
 — Mongrol

:}



plus, i don't think 'it' is an error...
 — varun

no it's not ;)
 — Mongrol

yeah, was about to suggest the comma when i first read it too.
but considering this writing calls for more than one read, i think the reader would have that figured? mmm... because i tried putting a comma there, and it read a little broken to me.
also, i think for that comma to be there, an 'as' would be a good insert at the beginning of that line, no?
 — varun

comments and criticisms well placed ... and much appreciated
I hope line 10 reads better now
The wine glass reference should evoke intoxication, of stepping over boundaries and not necessarily refusing or denying faith, only perhaps teasing the concept a bit
Thank you all for your generous comments
Poncho ... hmm, methinks I need one as it is going to rain
Maria
 — slancho

well - when spoken aloud the phrase reads fine - conversations that start with this phrase do begin just that way..

rumour has it you like pink custard - the rhetorical nature of the phrase doesnt lend itself to a pre-expectation that maybe an 'as' might add there

it's not so much a question as it is a statement.
 — Mongrol

also, true, mong.
 — varun

yes, mong and varun ... the "as" stays ...
Yours kingly, friends
Maria
 — slancho

actually, I took off the "as" and inserted a "that" in place of the comma
It might actually work best that way, though more verbose than intended
Thanks
Maria
 — slancho

That's gorgeous. In line 20, I would keep 'polemic' as singular a i believe it to be a collective noun - very interested in the title, date and time - it gives the poem an allure and a certain fascinating inter-textuality. Talent.
 — opal

self excavation usually is not worth the effort. internal currents get more tempestuous as we dig.
 — unknown

I thank you kindly, opal
Newcastle is beautiful in the spring ... but I am sure you know that already
I have changed polemics to its collective form
Yours
Maria
 — slancho

nice edit.
 — varun

thank you for your help, varun
maria
 — slancho

would you consider -

seductive, beyond polemic and callous ?
 — unknown

wonderful suggestion
I will make the changes and see what others think
thank you kindly, unknown
maria
 — slancho

typo for polemic, maria :}

thanks for taking that suggestions.
v.
 — unknown

ups ...
m
 — slancho

Whilst you are in the editing mood, might I make a small request?
I feel that in line 20 polemic and callous should switch places for
sonic reasons. Please listen:
polemic and callous
polemic and callous
polemic and callous
       OR
callous and polemic
callous and polemic
callous and polemic
A poem worthy of multiple readings.

-bobo
 — unknown

hello, bobo
thank you for visiting and your engagement
The original line read:

"seductive, callous and beyond polemic"

Then I changed it to "

"seductive, beyond polemic and callous"

Now you have made me think again, how about:

"seductive, beyond callous polemic"

Maria
 — slancho

strong language here. nice.
 — listen

thank you, listen
m
 — slancho

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