poetry critical

online poetry workshop


I remember how you raised your eyebrow
the first time I whimpered at the buzzing
of wings behind my back.
You explained that when they sting, the barb
snags in the skin,
pulling them to pieces,
so they know not to sting.
Today, you are in Georgia,
and this nagging neurosis buzzes through my brain:
you will plant your heart in the sand,
a sleeping bulb,
waiting to burst into September bloom
when bumblebees float through the air
like specks of fuzzy pollen.
You cannot see the barbs that hook me to you
(My lady, they snag deep and score deeper)
The frenzied flapping of winglets behind me
beats out a Morse code message,
that challenges the translator to decipher its meaning:
that one summer, a bumblebee
chased me down the street
and it has followed me ever since.

21 Apr 07

Rated 9 (9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 9, 9, 10
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very nice poem.
 — varun

very nice
 — varun

 — rocket

this is really nice, very original and sweet!
I especially like your imagery.
Nice work!
 — sparrow

I also agree it is sweet, with wondrous imagery and effective metaphor. I have only two small suggestions: First, in line 7, the use of sting seems repetitive, given it's use in Line 4... what if it just said "So they know not to."?  I almost wanted to say substitute the world "score" for "sting" there, for the parallel to Line 16, but it wouldn't quite work. My second suggestion is to perhaps refer to the bee in Line 22 as "she" instead of "it". Would that be too obvious? I am a fan of this poem, no matter what!
 — DrakeScott


 — chuckles


 — chuckles

guess i just really like your
bee poem...
 — chuckles