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I found her
sprawled on the deck
on the noon-day sun,
with a batch of rats-
their cries, lost
in a jungle of moss;
none buried in the nipple.
Mother spoke of Nature’s way.
my morning search
led me
to a shoebox
next to the woodpile
the slick, black
furry backs-  I poked
at a soft,
crumpled spine
when a hiss of air
the still
warm bones.
I carried it
to the carport where
Father was
his wild hair and
pitchfork teeth,
blowing the fluff like
blue ribbons and good luck
dangled from his
I held
dinner to my chest.

Inspired by the NIN Nails video, "Hurt" which reminded me of this childhood memory.
Been revising, re-titling like crazy so any suggestions are welcome, thanks.

19 Apr 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
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great piece. you definitely make your reader feel as you did. very affective imagery. original piece. i do have one suggestion though; i think you should add "He was a hungry" in line39 to the next stanza. to me, it feels like it's broken up be seperating it from the rest of the line. nonetheless, nicely done.
 — lanezfairy

Your imagery....makes me sick. That's how good it is.
 — ashley87

I'd like to fuck ashley87.
 — unknown

This poem reminds me of this song:

http://youtube.co m/watch?v=dScutbJpHoA

It's on animal cruelty. The band works with PETA.
 — DeathShards

 — unknown

thanks lanezfairy, I took your suggestion.
ashley, thank you =-)

thx for the link to that video.
i found "hurt" while I was there.  might be cool if I could let others see it, but I don't know how to post links.  Would someone tell me how?


 — jenakajoffer

Hi Jenakajoffer,

The only thing I would change here is maybe the title .Superb visual poem that etches your childhood memory deep in my mind with intensely vivid and lyrical lines.

Larry born to be wild but ended up tame Lark
 — larrylark

Hi Larry,

you know, if I don't have a title for my poem by the time
I have half the meat written,  
I have trouble.  Happens every time.
I lose the natural feel, can't regain the zone.  
The original was "Hurt", just the name of the song that inspired me when I first wrote this several years ago, but I feel it's lazy.
I wonder if I should just call it the pet's name?
thanks for the comments and suggestions!
 — jenakajoffer

I need a better word than "skinning" for L29. I am not having any luck.
Yes, he was skinning the rabbits but I think there is a way to be more subtle.
Any ideas?
 — jenakajoffer

perhaps " working" instead of "skinning," but I think you require something stronger than "wounding" fingers.

And I suggest a full-stop after fingers.

I held
dinner to my chest.

For some reason, I think of the day of the week in your poem Sunday. Hence, my suggestion for a provsional title:

Sunday Finding.
Finding Sunday.

Your poem has a sharp, jagged hook.
 — banditfemme

Hi banditfemme,
thanks so much for your comments and suggestions.
I had thought of "working" as well, but still not what I was looking for.
Maybe "hiding" works?  You know how father's are always hiding in the garage, tinkering about.
I dropped "wounding" and decided not to replace it, just "fingers".
Your suggestion made me think, so thank you.
I like your ideas for a title change, but find it a little misleading.
Perhaps "finding sunday dinner" or something like that.
i don't know yet,
thanks again!
 — jenakajoffer