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Clover
jenakajoffer

I found her
 1
sprawled on the deck
 2
half-baked,
 3
choking
 4
on the noon-day sun,
 5
frantic
 6
with a batch of rats-
 7
 
 
their cries, lost
 8
in a jungle of moss;
 9
none buried in the nipple.
 10
 
 
Mother spoke of Nature’s way.
 11
 
 
my morning search
 12
led me
 13
to a shoebox
 14
next to the woodpile
 15
cradling
 16
the slick, black
 17
furry backs-  I poked
 18
gently
 19
 
 
at a soft,
 20
crumpled spine
 21
when a hiss of air
 22
escaped
 23
the still
 24
warm bones.
 25
 
 
I carried it
 26
to the carport where
 27
Father was
 28
lurking;
 29
 
 
his wild hair and
 30
pitchfork teeth,
 31
blowing the fluff like
 32
dandelion-
 33
blue ribbons and good luck
 34
dangled from his
 35
fingers.
 36
 
 
I held
 37
dinner to my chest.
 38

Inspired by the NIN Nails video, "Hurt" which reminded me of this childhood memory.
Been revising, re-titling like crazy so any suggestions are welcome, thanks.

19 Apr 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 10
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(define the words in this poem)
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Comments:

great piece. you definitely make your reader feel as you did. very affective imagery. original piece. i do have one suggestion though; i think you should add "He was a hungry" in line39 to the next stanza. to me, it feels like it's broken up be seperating it from the rest of the line. nonetheless, nicely done.
 — lanezfairy

Your imagery....makes me sick. That's how good it is.
 — ashley87

I'd like to fuck ashley87.
 — unknown

This poem reminds me of this song:

http://youtube.co m/watch?v=dScutbJpHoA

It's on animal cruelty. The band works with PETA.
 — DeathShards

DUMB
 — unknown

thanks lanezfairy, I took your suggestion.
ashley, thank you =-)

DeathShards,
thx for the link to that video.
i found "hurt" while I was there.  might be cool if I could let others see it, but I don't know how to post links.  Would someone tell me how?

thanks.





  
 — jenakajoffer

Hi Jenakajoffer,

The only thing I would change here is maybe the title .Superb visual poem that etches your childhood memory deep in my mind with intensely vivid and lyrical lines.

Larry born to be wild but ended up tame Lark
 — larrylark

Hi Larry,

you know, if I don't have a title for my poem by the time
I have half the meat written,  
I have trouble.  Happens every time.
I lose the natural feel, can't regain the zone.  
The original was "Hurt", just the name of the song that inspired me when I first wrote this several years ago, but I feel it's lazy.
I wonder if I should just call it the pet's name?
thanks for the comments and suggestions!
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I need a better word than "skinning" for L29. I am not having any luck.
Yes, he was skinning the rabbits but I think there is a way to be more subtle.
Any ideas?
 — jenakajoffer

perhaps " working" instead of "skinning," but I think you require something stronger than "wounding" fingers.

And I suggest a full-stop after fingers.

I held
dinner to my chest.

For some reason, I think of the day of the week in your poem Sunday. Hence, my suggestion for a provsional title:

Sunday Finding.
-or-
Finding Sunday.

Your poem has a sharp, jagged hook.
 — banditfemme

Hi banditfemme,
thanks so much for your comments and suggestions.
I had thought of "working" as well, but still not what I was looking for.
Maybe "hiding" works?  You know how father's are always hiding in the garage, tinkering about.
I dropped "wounding" and decided not to replace it, just "fingers".
Your suggestion made me think, so thank you.
I like your ideas for a title change, but find it a little misleading.
Perhaps "finding sunday dinner" or something like that.
i don't know yet,
thanks again!
 — jenakajoffer

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