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four shining dots
varun

a glint few waves away
 1
caught in my eye not
 2
like a grain of sand but
 3
like a star from the sky
 4

19 Apr 07

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Comments:

a glint (a ) few waves away?

otherwise very good, simple yet good
yep, pretty goodimple
 — unknown

This says so much about the impressions, brief and fleeting that the passing world make on an artistic and absorbing mind.

Larry blotting paper Lark
 — larrylark

hi larry[lark]
i do believe in being a sponge rather than the sand. thanks.

would much like for you to read my immediate previous 'poem'...
 — varun

you didn't thank
me

pah
 — bettalpha

I might add "a" before few, make it more specific.  

A glint, a few waves away,
caught my eye,
not like a grain of sand
but like a star from the sky.  From the sky?  Of course it's from the sky.  Maybe you could make it something more descriptive, "like star shine."  That last line needs some help, just not sure how to fix it up to make it better.  

Not sure what the 4 dots are, either.

I do like punctuation.
 — Isabelle5

i thank you all the time, even without thanking. you have no idea...

isabelle,
thanks for you comment.
the sparks are the eyes are the stars of the sky. you can see it all in a grain of sand, yes you can.
 — varun

betty,
let's go and sit inside a kaleidoscope and talk about shapes.
 — varun

this lovely minimalist piece can be tweaked, I think, by slimming simile into metaphor:


a glint few waves away  
caught in my eye not  
a grain of sand but  
la star from the sky


perfect
title
 — banditfemme

nice.
 — listen

thanks.
 — varun

i think the word 'like' lends.
thanks, femme.
 — varun

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