poetry critical

online poetry workshop

her lips sandpaper

she came into
the room
with first sun rays
she fell into my bed
silvering the glitters
on my body
with her finger tips
I could taste
thousands of others
on her warm lips
and she smiled to me diabolically
''I could make you forever mine''
she said with laughter
''If I wanted to''...

15 Apr 07

Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 5, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)

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In L9, maybe have "a thousand others," or "thousands of others." The simple "thousand others" doesn't make sense, even tough I know what you mean.

A really great poem. I  liked it.
 — cmn24601

It should be "a thousand others". Also, L11 needs some help.
 — homepancakes

thanks for sugestion, yes I didn't read it throught when I wrote it on yesterday.
 — Dead_soul

L5 is 'glitters' no?
 — DeathShards

 — unknown

still, in line 9, shouldnt there be an "a" before "thousand", or should "thousand" be "thousands"?
 — inutile

 — unknown

it's kind of corny.
 — OKcomputer

no way.
 — unknown

the line breaks on lines 1 and 8 are unnecessary.
 — aerol

I like the line breaks it's like pause - to take a breath
like when you remember something or think.
 — Jerry33