poetry critical

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Soldier Bites Bullet
banditfemme

On all fours
 1
        enters
 2
 
 
nyekulturny kitten
 3
more timid in the big world
 4
than in her bed
 5
of scribbled dreams.
 6
 
 
No sweet talk
 7
the first time.
 8
Flush against a stucco wall
 9
arms stretched,
 10
wrists crossed
 11
he does her
 12
soldier style.
 13
 
 
Today
 14
he shoots
 15
like an irate drum,
 16
bloom boom bullet
 17
king size.
 18
 
 
Cold wind
 19
moans outside
 20
in,
 21
 
 
she bites
 22
sugar jolts
 23
 
 
um
 24
    uh
 25
       uh
 26
 
 
his voice blown
 27
harsh unjazzed
 28
between her
 29
banged legs.
 30

14 Apr 07

Rated 8 (7.8) by 8 users.
Active (8): 3, 4, 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 7, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(19 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
angrychick
DeformedLion
madman
MelissaK



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Comments:

perfect. just wonderful words. not a thing to change or alter. i love it.
 — ilenelush

27 - 30

bronze them

line 6 rethink 1 word in this whole poem which is goodstuff

dreams

i give you back your 10

but id give it to you anyway

cause this heres a gemm, grrl.
 — jumpoline

i love your style. They have a paradoxical sense of reality and fantasy, which creates a surreal mood infused with deeper emotion.
 — crismonblue

fantastic poem,
this is really great.
I'm having a wonderful night with the poetry tonight!
thanks for writing,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Perfect.
 — angrychick

I don't understand the rave reviews. Like honestly. What's the big deal on this poem?

The subject matter is presented decently, I'll give you that. However, when you were told to use fewer words to say what you want to say (by whomever told you so), I suppose you weren't cautioned against over-doing it. Your format is...solid, not bad, but kinda boring. If you're going to write an even partially format-based poem, the aesthetics have to be something awesome. They aren't.

Of the last four lines, only the last one says anything worth hearing. The whole poem follows suit.

Good luck in the future, but please, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, write something coherent.
 — unknown

wow. this was such a well-done poem. i don't know where to start. this is very creative, intriguing, and descriptive. my only suggestion is to maybe change the ending. i thought that it was nice, but i think you could have done more to amaze the reader as you have done in the rest of your piece. nonetheless, great job. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

Thank you to all the above for your comments. Whether you liked it or not, I appreciate any and all visits. Revisions are always ongoing with my work. Eventually, I try to convdert each poem into a short story. These are my road maps.

bF
 — banditfemme

This is harsh and real; I love it. I dont think the onomatopoeia in L24-26 is needed though. Great poem!
 — bbucsis

hi grace
 — unknown

spoken through clenched teeth in a glaring sun. this was wonderful.
 — asurene

unfriendly fire
 — unknown

love lines 22 & 23 .. great stuff
 — Mongrol

I look forward to it.
My mercenary has trained me well.
 — banditfemme

let him bring it on then. My boots are on.
 — banditfemme

In that case, Heartsweet, I will die happy.
 — banditfemme

i like your
kitten
but having much experience with stucco walls
L9 bothers me
au revoir
 — chuckles

This here is a very fine poem and can be compared as well.
 — unknown

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