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water color knots

I was a believer in brains,
not souls until
I found myself tied in a
where you ripped every
fibre from my heart and swiftly
tied it onto yours.
That was a long time ago, our net
of heart-strings has long fallen
apart since then and yet
your knots have not gone forgotten.
I was a believer in water-
colors until I got
my heart-strings back from your
stained by your fingerprints and harder
to wash away than spots of cranberry
sauce or red wine vinegar.
It was then that I slowly began to understand
that our memories never actually leave,
they are the mould,
which forms us and the colors,
by the stain of which we find ourselves.

2 Apr 07

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very nice poem.
consider more jagged breaks? like so:

a believer in
brains, not
until i found myself
in a soul-knot, where
every fibre
from my heart and
swiftly tied it
onto yours.
 — varun

i love the language in this piece, sparrow.
 — varun

Thanks very much varun! I'll work on the line breaks a bit!
 — sparrow

This is a fine poem and i love the imagery.
 — larrylark

dear larry,
thanks very much for your comment and I'm glad you liked the imagery!
 — sparrow

very nice poem, just a few things:
L2, remove "in"

and what about just saying "knots" through out the poem
"i found myself tied
in knots-
you ripped...",
leaving the word "soul-knots" just for L15?
just a thought!

 — jenakajoffer

thanks alot for your comment jen!
I actually of changing "sould-knots" into "knots" my only concern though is if the first stanza would still make sense then, what do you think!
 — sparrow

hi sparrow,
I've taken some time to think about this.  
this is what came of it:
with "not souls" (in the same line), you get the "not" which could mean "knot",
therefore instilling the idea w/out saying soul-knot in L4.
L10, remove "and" (insert comma?)
L11 "yet the knots have not forgetten" (question, how does a knot remember or forget?  Maybe "yet the knots are not forgotten"  i don't know.
L12/13, "watercolors"
L20, "don't ever actually" would sound better as just "never".
the end:
"they are the mould;  (we know that a mould forms things, maybe remove L22?)
the colors
by the stain of which we find ourselves."

Forgive me for imposing my opinions, don't feel obligated to indulge in my suggestions, these are just my thoughts.
I am gone now for a few days, will check back later.
Thanks for the welcoming =-)
 — unknown

thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my poem jen! your ideas were really helpful!
I think I'll get straight to work.
 — sparrow

ok, I've changed it a bit. I think the "not"-"knot" play is more clear now. thanks again!
 — sparrow

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