poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Jail Bait (or my first standing O)
ilenelush

spoken word

I was that girl in the 8th grade
 1
who brought a High School Freshman  
 2
to a party
 3
His name was Alex  
 4
had a flask of jim beam in his back pocket
 5
he never took the time to be
 6
charmed by me
 7
just got as close as he could
 8
looked all over and licked his lips
 9
really, he did
 10
 
 
I was no pubescent Lolita
 11
I was just jail bait
 12
illegal
 13
 
 
Newly teenaged
 14
libidos raged
 15
in redone basements
 16
hoping for slow dance grinding
 17
to lead to more
 18
 
 
finally the lights dimmed
 19
music got softer
 20
couples paired off
 21
to corners or couches
 22
 
 
I always liked to watch
 23
Hands move over tits
 24
seeing nipples get hard
 25
all those girls
 26
grinding away
 27
making so much noise
 28
getting felt up
 29
thinking
 30
no one was watching
 31
 
 
now they know
 32
 
 
Alex was close
 33
just like in the movies
 34
one hand on the wall
 35
over my shoulder
 36
I knew he had no ideas about me
 37
except
 38
where he could put
 39
his mouth or hands
 40
I did not care
 41
finally kissed
 42
hardly remember that
 43
I was too distracted
 44
by the hardon grinding
 45
just right
 46
there
 47
against me
 48
pleated skirt
 49
pushing rubbing
 50
into places
 51
only ever
 52
touched
 53
by me
 54
 
 
I came
 55
made soft noise in his mouth
 56
wanted to be louder
 57
he was shocked by the lust
 58
wanted more
 59
 
 
Polaroid clicks and flashes
 60
the mother of the house
 61
coming at me
 62
snapshot of my first with-a-boy  O
 63
(little did she know)
 64
lecturing me about
 65
not
 66
 
 
“doing anything in the dark you wouldn’t want to talk about”
 67
 
 
she made an an impression on me
 68
I heard her loud and clear
 69
like the Marquis or Nin
 70
who set me free
 71
to talk about those things we do with the lights off
 72
 
 
I took this mother's words to heart
 73
 
 
so here’s to
 74
camera-flashing-remark-making-suburban-basement-rec-room-having-mothers of young teens
 75
 
 
Thanks for the advice
 76

31 Mar 07

Rated 8.6 (8.8) by 22 users.
Active (22): 1, 3, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)

(8 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

you capture well in this poem,
56-60 nice. overall cohesive and solid.  
 — unknown

ha! :)
hahahahha.
very cool.
 — varun

love it. i remember the boy-girl parties in 8th grade, this poem describes them perfectly!
 — humblebee

I was an 8 th grade girl who had a 24 year old boyfriend.
 — unknown

I laughed my ass off at this--well, I chuckled rather, from the title all the way through. Only thing I think of (not to be a pain) is that...well, doesn't being jail bait only apply if one's a minor and the other isn't? Maybe I've just never thought that much into it...
 — gem_grrrl

Very nice.  Captured my attention the whole way through.
 — Mai

line 68:  superfluous "an"?

Jeez, reading this makes me realize I completely wasted my childhood.
 — innominate

lovely
 — unknown

lol. definitely had my attention throughout the read.
 — tRG

From a once-upon-a-teen girl, this is guilty as hell and well said.  Not crazy about the way it's formatted but the emotion is steamy and realistic.  (Not that I would know a thing about all this, of course...)
 — Isabelle5

Up through line 59, this poem is.... yes, the best word really is "steamy". After that, though, it seems to almost rant, and that eats the poem alive.

Though I suppose it's a good enough message. Your title is very clever.

All-in-all, it's a thing of preference on the formatting; personally, I love it. This poem is definitely tenworthy, thanks for the awesome read. Sorta takes me back a few years...

Teo.
 — teo_omega11

your style is unique. that alone is good. it doesnt seem too self aware. and i like that.

i don't like the very end. too pat, cute. the meat is excellent enough for a 10 i think.
 — jumpoline

I like the style. The ending could use a little improvement though.
 — MelissaK

i dont like the style either...the formatting blows. i rush 'story-telling' so i usually resort to spews/rants whatever you call them. i get lazy and rely on the smart remark. you are all right-on. and thanks.
 — ilenelush

Who pays attention to ilenelush's comments.
 — unknown

nobody
 — ilenelush

I like it, but here's yet another vote against the format. Had I not been a typical male, I may have lost interest.
 — homepancakes

well, I am just a 2bit slammer making a clumsy leap from the stage to the page...

a re-write is in order, obviously
 — ilenelush

clever. its funny becauase i always call eighth graders jailbait.
 — dollface

I call sixth graders jailbait.
 — unknown

Ha-haaa I love it. So, so real. So true and so real. You have my compliments.
 — ashley87

I'd like to fuck ashley87.
 — unknown

This is excellent. one clever write. i wish i could give it a 20.
it kept me glued till the last line just like a dan brown novel and hell as entertaining.
 — trochee

well
verynicesexyinawaythatmakesmeblushbecauseitalsomakesmefeeloldpoem
i'd suggest  
L45 hard on
be 2 separate words
also 74,75 alittle unnecessary...
good poem
 — chuckles

love it....jst...love it. i was the the 8th grade girl who everybody thot was a lezbian with no friends.....>< so i didnt experience this...boys never liked me...but i think its an AWESOME poem overall! 10 for sure! the rough language is super real..like your just talking...makes it very natural..
 — LycanStorm

fine work. i'd suggest  stopping off after "louder."   after that the poem starts sliding downhill.
 — unknown

I have to know, did you fall down?  Seems hard to stand up during, well, you know.
 — unknown

It's a bit choppy, but this is something impressive. You expressed your memories well, and made a very steamy and (usually) embarassing moment a message for everyone to hear. Good work leading into L67.
 — bbucsis

I really enjoyed this poem. It flows in your mind as you read it. I can easily depict this like a movie in my head. Not once did I have to re-read a passage, because this poem melts right off the paper.
 — Bandrews

i love this... describes exactly how it is
 — emiliminy

I like young pussy.
 — unknown

Good work.
 — hairlesscunn

I really like this. Would like it better if line 73 was the last.
 — SteelAngel

slightly aroused... perhaps though, that is the type of comment they created the anonymous commenting function available for.

even so, great poem xx
 — Bobby

I like the title.  A bit long and I don't love the format, but really good.
 — propoet50

This is honest enough, considering you honestly wanted to write something, and it's way better than the retard comments on it. You could edit this into a powerful poem, if you've got the stomach for it after all these sugar and lard sandwiches in your comment section.
 — joey

very good...I like it (:
 — crazynlove3

Actually kind of arousing.  Really, really good.
 — unknown

I loved it until the conclusion, which seems odd, like it's going in a totally different direction than the rest of the poem and so is out of place. 9.
 — FangzOfFire

at least fangz made it to the conclusion, i couldn't get there myself.
 — unknown

DITTO to what FANGZ said about the conclusion.  But really had me on the edge of my seat -  Did I go to this party too?
 — unknown

the title and lines 67-76 are very witty,
but i think you should redo your line breaks.
all of them.
otherwise a great poem.
 — luvscost

Wow, i love it. Im actually speechless, i dont even know why i liked it.
Good stuff.
 — unknown

Top Rated (expand)
Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)
Recent Best (expand)
0.477s