poetry critical

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because someone asked me to write this.

in six months
i have only known you
by reference,
through the still-frame images
of a silhouette in the distance
of aquaintance.
yet i see you now
in consonants
and smeared smudges
of sibilant motion;
in remembrances that have purpose,
and belonging.
i have been missing pieces
and through my own listless resonance
begun to discover the effervescence
of a girl who
(even in passing)
could elicit a smile
from others
and make miracles
small wonders.

29 Mar 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
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title is pretty lol.
 — midare

nice poem, midare
[oh, this is a guess... and midare has already posted a comment... mmm...]

the closing two lines are a killer, man...
i might want to suggest getting rid of 'simply'... maybe i will, in the morning.
line 21 makes the mood so much better for the last strophe.

now, let's see if i'm right about who wrote this...
 — varun


 — varun

I love the language in this piece; the word choice is spectacular. My favorite is "effervescence." However, some of the words and images were redundant in some stanzas. Stanza one: you say the subject is "imageless" through still-frame "images." I have trouble piecing those two together; maybe changing one of those to a different word? "...smeared smudges" in the second stanza also don't sit well with me. Other than that, the piece is great!
 — BrideInBlack

beautiful...just beautiful...
 — juggalette69

thanks you two. good eyes. i changed it around a bit.
 — midare

i like how each stanza is slightly incomplete, as it moves to the next one ...
 — listen

The first stanza definitely flows better now. Beautiful work, midare.
 — BrideInBlack

 — midare

very nice poem,
 — jenakajoffer

Hi you.
I like this.
Just waking up so I will come back later for another read.
Hope all is well with you.

 — unknown

hi sam.
 — midare

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