poetry critical : poem

because someone asked me to write this.

midare

in six months	1
i have only known you	2
by reference,	3
through the still-frame images	4
of a silhouette in the distance	5
of aquaintance.	6
yet i see you now	7
	8
in consonants	9
and smeared smudges	10
of sibilant motion;	11
	12
in remembrances that have purpose,	13
and belonging.	14
	15
i have been missing pieces	16
and through my own listless resonance	17
begun to discover the effervescence	18
	19
of a girl who	20
(even in passing)	21
could elicit a smile	22
from others	23
and make miracles	24
small wonders.	25

29 Mar 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.

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BrideInBlack
trochee

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Comments:

title is pretty lol.
— midare

nice poem, midare
[oh, this is a guess... and midare has already posted a comment... mmm...]

the closing two lines are a killer, man...
i might want to suggest getting rid of 'simply'... maybe i will, in the morning.
line 21 makes the mood so much better for the last strophe.

now, let's see if i'm right about who wrote this...
— varun

woooooooooooot!

:)
— varun

I love the language in this piece; the word choice is spectacular. My favorite is "effervescence." However, some of the words and images were redundant in some stanzas. Stanza one: you say the subject is "imageless" through still-frame "images." I have trouble piecing those two together; maybe changing one of those to a different word? "...smeared smudges" in the second stanza also don't sit well with me. Other than that, the piece is great!
— BrideInBlack

beautiful...just beautiful...
— juggalette69

thanks you two. good eyes. i changed it around a bit.
— midare

i like how each stanza is slightly incomplete, as it moves to the next one ...
— listen

The first stanza definitely flows better now. Beautiful work, midare.
— BrideInBlack

danke.
— midare

very nice poem,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

Hi you.
I like this.
Just waking up so I will come back later for another read.
Hope all is well with you.

S.
— unknown

hi sam.
— midare

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