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Disregarded so easily, I gave you my life and everything else I could.
And now Abrupt unfinished goodbyes.. . .
Just like all those dreams I had, then waking in slow relief
to find that you didnt do the unthinkable-
you couldnt be that cold girl in the dream
because I felt your warm body next to mine
twisted in heavy sheets
but now for some reason I havent woken up yet-
your still that cold girl, torturing me with romantic treason
your still laying with him
I can hear the words you use when your with him
I know how he makes you feel
I know of my irrelevance
how he makes me obsolete
my insides are twisted
my gut wrenched
and dropped

29 Mar 07

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L9,10 youre? if not, then it is assumed that you are alluding to a piece of distillation
equipment, which makes little sense to me at present.
L11 youre?

i really like the
.. . .
nice poem
 — chuckles

Learn to use your and you're at the proper times.  The sentiment is easy to relate to, the writing is less than great.  It's not clear if you only dreamed this girl and she is actually someone else's girl or if she is cheating on you.

My gut wrenched and dropped is a very awkward line.  All I can see is a gob of guts dropping.  Surely that isn't what you mean?

Laying with him - maybe laying him or lying with him.  Laying with him isn't right.

It's worth working on this poem.  
 — Isabelle5

thanks. . .i replied on the other poem i wrote "replaced" and i explained why these poems arent very coherent or grammatically correct.. .and maybe i should have worked these out before placing them on the site.. .
 — unknown

Well, now that you explained, they are more real and I understand them.  I hate that you have to go through this.  Love can end so badly sometimes.  I wish I could give you hug, like that would help!
 — Isabelle5

By the way, a lot of us write about things going on in our lives.  In my opinion, you write better when you've had some experiences to write about.  
 — Isabelle5

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