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Epitaph to a Colorful Life
unknown

He was young then, he recalled
 1
back when daffodils were stunning yellow
 2
and violets were a darker shade of purple
 3
and colors were all he saw.
 4
 
 
He dreamt of painting the sky
 5
replacing swirling whites and blues
 6
and drawing his own hues
 7
with sagging arms and tall ambition.
 8
 
 
But day is black, so soon
 9
with speckles of silver he can hardly see.
 10
His brightly burning chromes
 11
die and fade so helplessly.
 12

28 Mar 07

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Comments:

You don't need back in line 2, as recalled means back, you can only recall something past.  
I think a comma at the end of line 5 is needed.  By the way, replacing what in line 6?  Could you change the 'and' in line 7 to with, to show it's the replacement of whites and blues?  That might work better.
Chromes die or chrome dies...choose one or the other, dies does not work with a plural word.  

I like the feel of this, even though it's mournful and sounds as if time ran out.  Nice job.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks.
 — unknown

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