poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Psalm 2007
blee73

Rain on dust patters down
 1
                  (You are my oasis);
 2
               Patters death into mud,
 3
               (You are greening rust),
 4
                 Silver drops winking,
 5
          (A shoot of vine cracking bone),
 6
                 Blinking back lighting,
 7
              (A river from a stone),
 8
             Hurled by jealous gods,
 9
       (My tent pitched against nothingness).
 10

27 Mar 07


(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

The top line shouldn't appear the way it does, but I couldn't get the program to cooperate.
 — blee73

Pasting the following tag followed by appropriate number of spaces before the first word should produce the effect you are trying for
although I don't find that the centering adds to the piece. It may be better served with white space and offset of second voice.

I think that the flow gets hashed by the layout of these perspectives.
Perhaps give the parenthetic voice its own epode between two stanzas of the other voice?
Or maybe give each voice its own punctuation (The cap of each line is distracting as are all of the commas)?

Also, I feel that this could be tightened up. For intstance, you repeat "patters" in L1 & L3.
L8: "A" river from "a" stone.
I don't feel "winking" works in L5. It just sounds too cheery to me for the raw sense of nature that gusts in with the ozone of new rain. Too many 'ing" words L4-L7 for my taste.
This is a good start, though. I THINK that I may have gotten a sense of what you are trying for, but it is unclear to me.
Maybe I just need more coffee.
 — Nerva

Oh. that tag should be:

?
-Nerva
 — unknown

"You are my oasis" sounds horribly cliche to me, but the rest of the poem is good. Why is every other line in parenthesis though? patters putters pitched against nothingness...good rhythm
 — Charlie

Newest (expand)
  • Sorry Luck
  • Randomness
  • flashback to valentines day
  • There are No Refills for Shattered Glass
  • The Birth of Guilt
  • Cycle of Escapism
  • Never Again
  • Nude Thoughts (explicit contents)
  • Kimberly
  • Silica, soda and Limestone
  • A Troubling Thing
  • An ever depleating resourse
  • Release
  • Jail Bait (or my first standing O)
  • morning musings
Recently Commented (expand)
0.803s