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Finding Manhood anywhere but between your own legs
Isabelle5

You set out on your journey as a man,
 1
filled with seeds you wanted to be sown.
 2
Shadowed women, touched but never known -
 3
you court Desire but never with a plan.
 4
 
 
You roam the evening, seek Temptation's hand,
 5
feverish with dreams that have no birth.
 6
Numbered conquests seem to show your worth -
 7
shadowed children, none of whom you planned,
 8
 
 
images of love you might have known,
 9
if not for seeds joyless and random-thrown,
 10
to women with their faces in the sand;
 11
 
 
it takes much more than sex to be a man.
 12

26 Mar 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 7, 8, 10, 10
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Comments:

Stinging. I like the symmetry of line 2 with line 10. I think that the idea and form of this is very good, but it could be sharpened a little.  Maybe in line 7, instead of "make sure of your worth", use "confirm", which extends the harsh sound of "conquests". So, the line would read, "Numbered conquests confirm your worth". Just a thought.

And I don't have a suggestion for changing it, but you end line 4 with plan, and line 8 with planned. Is there another word you could interchange with either of those. Variance in vocabulary might add something as well. Good work.
 — SteelAngel

"Numbered conquests confirm your worth".
I would go with this too...

wonderful poem!
 — trochee

Isabelle, this is your best yet!
 — unknown

boys do eventually become men - unfortunately not all men stop being boys

a worthy insight and message

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

nice poem imc.

would you consider:

Shadowed women, touched but never known;
Desire ridden without a plan.

do you think 'needing' in line 5 is too strong for this piece? or maybe it fits just right. mmm.

in line 7, i think 'of' could be left out.

i do think the comma at the end of line 8 isn't needed.

thanks.
i'm no kite-maker.
 — unknown

Some changes made.  It was very hard not to end with "takes much more than balls," which, though appropriate, doesn't sound very poetic!  hahaha

Thanks a lot, poet helpers.  Still thinking about plan and planned.  It's too small to have them so close, maybe.
 — Isabelle5

elegant
 — topop

i would say i prefer this ending. it could even do without 'than this', because the poem is already the implication. no?

i like the caps. yes.
 — varun

Varun, thanks.  I changed it to sex.  That's blunt, too, but I have yet to find the perfect word to sum it up.  
 — Isabelle5

You wish you had something between your legs.
 — Wamblicantee

o gawd! visiting just visiting and some things never change. Isabelle, you are a Poetry Forum Addict! You need HELP

seriously and now. Redeem yourself before your
60th Birthday

it is not too late-- but soon it will be!

.
.
.

zen sent from where some

.
.
.
 — unknown

very nice. you had some nice flowing phrases but what i appreciated more was the great message. my only suggestion is (if you revise this) to possibly change the length of your individual lines. anywho well done. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

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