poetry critical

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Migraine
PollyReg

Light is uninvited and flipping
 1
with beats it throws itself
 2
through cracks
 3
and windows and doors.
 4
 
 
Chatters are barbed-wire
 5
hostages, bedclothes and
 6
swearing like Tuesday's
 7
dishes in the sink.
 8
 
 
Marching communists shout
 9
'Cold War!' in my forehead.
 10
I wave paracetomol and red flags
 11
to get them onside.
 12

25 Mar 07

Rated 8 (8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 8, 8, 9
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

I recently wrote a poem about a migraine I had, although it had a different theme and mood. Just trying to say I feel your pain.

There is nothing quite that the throbbing, agreed?

On the subject of your poem, I do like this. Strong metaphors and appropiate imagery keep it alive. Now, go take some Excedrin.
 — wanderlusted

Migraine is not a killer but its victims wish it was! I totally feel for you. My migraines get so bad I can't move out of bed sometimes and codeine rules my bloody world.
A few suggestions -
L1 take out the "and" using a semi-colon after uninvited.
L7 apostrophe in Tuesdays
L12 doesn't seem strong enough to end on, the idea is right but perhaps you could re-word it to strengthen it. The poem is good but could be excellent with a better finish.
 — angrychick

Hi thanks for comments.

I got stuck on lines 11 and 12, and I am still trying to think of a better ending. I wholeheartedly agree AngryChick.

I am not sure about the semi colen.

But ur right Tuesdays does need to be apostrophed

-polly
 — unknown

good poem Polly,
I can relate, although I've been lucky this last while; you express this amazingly.
the first 2 lines are in need tho, I think.  
"light flipping with beats" is definitely not a strong description.  
Light feels like daggers and blinds us in agony during a migraine.  
Maybe go somewhere with the pain other than using so many words to describe where the light is coming from.  
just a thought if you do consider changing anything (hope u don't mind)
Light invades me
with knives and pitchforks,
thrown through every
ductaped window shade.

the poem is very well done, I especially love L5-8!!
thanks,
Jen-



Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Billy Collins once said the difference between a writer and a reader, is a writer can't read something good and not get completely jealous that he/she didn't write it themself. This is the first time i've truly felt like a writer.
 — joshcoops

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