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jenakajoffer
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stumbling through
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nights
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of hope
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waiting on the stars
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I reached
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for the breeze where
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minstrels tease
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and whisper nothings
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sweet
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while I made love
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to impulsive winds
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with prickled skin
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branches
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where the same
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fickle pigeons
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scatter
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cracked the glass
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around my gin
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and I slipped
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on last week's olives
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the sky belched
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breathed its cold
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through the holes
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in your shirt
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and I fell
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24 Mar 07 |
Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(20 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
while I made love to
impulsive winds
with prickled skin;
These lines are magic. Thanks Jen.
— PollyReg
thank you Polly,
I'm still deciding on whether L9-16 and 17-25 should switch places.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
I would leave out l22...leaves it open to interpretation.
I want to read 'stairs' as 'stars' (l3).
The 2nd and 3rd strophes are wonderful - the assonance is very good.
me
— unknown
Hi, "you",
thanks for the good ideas, I made some changes, I think I like them.
I might need to get used to the abrupt ending,
but it's kinda cool and different for me. =-)
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
very nice poem.
— varun
a few suggestions:
stumbling through
nights
of hope, waiting
on stars
I reached
for the breeze where
minstrels tease
and whisper nothings,
sweet and
fruitless-
I made love
to impulsive winds
with prickled skin
when branches where
the same fickle
pigeons
scatter cracked
the glass around my gin
and I slipped
on last week olives,
the sky belched and
breathed its cold
through the holes
of your shirt,
and I fell.
— varun
ooh varun,
thank you!
=-)
— jenakajoffer
The imagery in this is really good, beautiful in fact. My only problem is that L14-16 seem disjointed and awkward to read. It maybe the way you have broken your lines.
— angrychick
BTW love L21-24 are brilliant.
— angrychick
hmm
removal
of punctuation
can be tricky business.
sporadic punctuation can be
downright annoying. consider the
punctuation as it appeared before, then insert
spaces where it appeared (where it doesn't appear now).
the effect will be both aesthetically easier on the eye, and pauses
will become inferred, yet still optional.
byebye
— chuckles
so, the punc I have is annoying,
AND the line breaks too?
hmm. I don't understand.
I'll see what I can do,
thanks. =-)
— jenakajoffer
I can see
the poem working well
without puctuation, and I really like this one,
but I'm scared to try!
— jenakajoffer
i think
cracked the glass
should be in one line.
sorry.
— varun
In my opinion, lack of punctuation is only good when line breaks and caesuras allow the reader to know when to pause. Your line breaks have done that. I do agree with varun, however:
cracked the glass
around my gin
would read a little better. I would also remove 'and' in l21.
me again
— unknown
begging to differ.
consider:
fruitless
branches
cracked
3 words/line, 3 words/line, 3 words/line is
BOOOOOOORING
— unknown
extended thanks to you guys. I haven't done a poem w/out punc before so I appreciate your suggestions. I made some minor changes
so as it stands now, do you think it works, or should I just go back and punctuate?
angrylass, =-) thank you very much!
unknown, thanks for your thoughts too.
Sam, touched you favourited.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
I would leave it as is. Beautiful writing.
me
— unknown
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