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ache
jenakajoffer

stumbling through
 1
nights
 2
of hope
 3
waiting on the stars
 4
 
 
I reached
 5
for the breeze where
 6
minstrels tease
 7
and whisper nothings
 8
sweet
 9
while I made love
 10
to impulsive winds
 11
with prickled skin
 12
 
 
branches
 13
where the same
 14
fickle pigeons
 15
scatter
 16
cracked the glass
 17
around my gin
 18
and I slipped
 19
on last week's olives
 20
 
 
the sky belched
 21
breathed its cold
 22
through the holes
 23
in your shirt
 24
 
 
and I fell
 25

24 Mar 07

Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
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Comments:

while I made love to  
impulsive winds  
with prickled skin;

These lines are magic. Thanks Jen.
 — PollyReg

thank you Polly,
I'm still deciding on whether L9-16 and 17-25 should switch places.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I would leave out l22...leaves it open to interpretation.
I want to read 'stairs' as 'stars' (l3).
The 2nd and 3rd strophes are wonderful - the assonance is very good.

me
 — unknown

Hi, "you",
thanks for the good ideas, I made some changes, I think I like them.

I might need to get used to the abrupt ending,
but it's kinda cool and different for me. =-)
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

very nice poem.
 — varun

a few suggestions:

stumbling through
nights
of hope, waiting
on stars

I reached
for the breeze where
minstrels tease
and whisper nothings,
sweet and
fruitless-
I made love
to impulsive winds
with prickled skin

when branches where
the same fickle
pigeons
scatter cracked
the glass around my gin
and I slipped
on last week olives,
the sky belched and
breathed its cold
through the holes
of your shirt,

and I fell.
 — varun

ooh varun,
thank you!
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

The imagery in this is really good, beautiful in fact. My only problem is that L14-16 seem disjointed and awkward to read. It maybe the way you have broken your lines.
 — angrychick

BTW love L21-24 are brilliant.
 — angrychick

hmm
removal
of punctuation
can be tricky business.
sporadic punctuation can be
downright annoying. consider the
punctuation as it appeared before, then insert
spaces where it appeared (where it doesn't appear now).
the effect will be both aesthetically easier on the eye, and pauses
will become inferred, yet still optional.

byebye
 — chuckles

so, the punc I have is annoying,
AND the line breaks too?
hmm.  I don't understand.

I'll see what I can do,
thanks. =-)
 — jenakajoffer

I can see
the poem working well
without puctuation, and I really like this one,
but I'm scared to try!
 — jenakajoffer

i think
cracked the glass
should be in one line.

sorry.
 — varun

In my opinion, lack of punctuation is only good when line breaks and caesuras allow the reader to know when to pause. Your line breaks have done that. I do agree with varun, however:

cracked the glass
around my gin

would read a little better. I would also remove 'and' in l21.

me again
 — unknown

begging to differ.
consider:

fruitless
branches
cracked

3 words/line, 3 words/line, 3 words/line is
BOOOOOOORING
 — unknown

extended thanks to you guys.  I haven't done a poem w/out punc before so I appreciate your suggestions.  I made some minor changes
so as it stands now, do you think it works, or should I just go back and punctuate?

angrylass, =-) thank you very much!
unknown, thanks for your thoughts too.
Sam, touched you favourited.

Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I would leave it as is. Beautiful writing.

me
 — unknown

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