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luvscost
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Nearing midnight- The dank night air is tinged with Bourbon and despair,
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as walls glimmer and flicker to candlelight. fatigued eyes
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swell with bitter tears leaving no distinction in the dark:
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Shapes blur and run together; objects' shadows morph into
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sinister phantoms which lurk in the dark corners of the room,
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mocking and scoffing, shifting, dancing, and jeering . Projecting
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onto the black lace screen of shadows enshrouding the wall
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Taunts the blurry, candlelight silhouette of a revolver; curled up
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In bed,my feet frigid, perhaps as cold as my heart or
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the barrel I envision sliding over my moist tongue, almost
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hearing the clinking of metal
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against my chattering
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teeth or the click
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Of the cock,
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sanity as shaky
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as my hand
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what now
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what now
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What now
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It’s
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all
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coming
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undone...
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The midnight air hangs thick and foreboding,
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Redolent grey smoke slowly curls upward.
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The candle is extinguished.
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24 Mar 07 |
Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
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(6 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
This is good work, the poem does a good job of mood and setting, and while I see some problem points in the main body, the punch of the final three lines is quite effective.
In my opinion, having a narrative voice describe him/herself is almost always problematic. It is not a deal-breaker here, but I have some qualms about someone saying "my dim, droopy, fatigued eyes view" (line 3). Do consider that those lines might be stronger with a blunt "(There is) no distinction in the dark." While "my hand" being "shaky" (lines 15 & 14) present no such problem, line 8 ("In bed, my feet as frigid as my heart, or perhaps as cold as") seems a little overdone in that same self-descriptive mode. Do consider a simple "my feet frigid, perhaps as cold as..."
Overall, a good poem with a well-executed finish.
Thanks,
— mikkirat
I love that the poem is shaped like a gun!! One of my favorite things is when a poet uses stanzas and lines to literally make a picture; it adds so much to the message and meaning of the poem. However, I feel like this poem "tells" instead of "shows." This simply means that you simply state what's going on; you don't give the reader any good descriptions or emotions to make us connect with and understand what's happening. I think describing more of the physical scenery would be a great way to make the poem more grounded and help the reader "see" what is really going on.
— BrideInBlack
Thanks for the helpful tips!
I made a few of the suggested changes.
Any other advice?
— luvscost
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