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handgun silhouette

Nearing midnight- The dank night air is tinged with Bourbon and despair,
as walls glimmer and flicker to candlelight. fatigued eyes
swell with bitter tears leaving  no distinction in the dark:
Shapes blur and run together; objects' shadows morph into
sinister phantoms which lurk in the dark corners of the room,
mocking and scoffing, shifting, dancing, and jeering . Projecting
onto the black lace screen of shadows enshrouding the wall
   Taunts the blurry, candlelight silhouette of a revolver; curled up
   In bed,my feet frigid, perhaps as cold as my heart or
  the barrel I envision sliding over my moist tongue, almost
hearing the clinking of metal
against my chattering
teeth or the click
Of the cock,  
sanity as shaky
as my hand
what now
what now
What now
The midnight air hangs thick and foreboding,
Redolent grey smoke slowly curls upward.
The candle is extinguished.

24 Mar 07

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This is good work, the poem does a good job of mood and setting, and while I see some problem points in the main body, the punch of the final three lines is quite effective.

In my opinion, having a narrative voice describe him/herself is almost always problematic.  It is not a deal-breaker here, but I have some qualms about someone saying "my dim, droopy, fatigued eyes view" (line 3).  Do consider that those lines might be stronger with a blunt "(There is) no distinction in the dark."  While "my hand" being "shaky" (lines 15 & 14) present no such problem, line 8 ("In bed, my feet as frigid as my heart, or perhaps as cold as") seems a little overdone in that same self-descriptive mode.  Do consider a simple "my feet frigid, perhaps as cold as..."

Overall, a good poem with a well-executed finish.  
 — mikkirat

I love that the poem is shaped like a gun!! One of my favorite things is when a poet uses stanzas and lines to literally make a picture; it adds so much to the message and meaning of the poem. However, I feel like this poem "tells" instead of "shows." This simply means that you simply state what's going on; you don't give the reader any good descriptions or emotions to make us connect with and understand what's happening. I think describing more of the physical scenery would be a great way to make the poem more grounded and help the reader "see" what is really going on.
 — BrideInBlack

Thanks for the helpful tips!
I made a few of the suggested changes.
Any other advice?
 — luvscost

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