poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the blue letter series
slancho

Again,
 1
this is beginning
 2
and, like before,
 3
it stands for the ember
 4
of bone-frames
 5
curled round the tongue.
 6
 
 
Its strong synthesis
 7
announces
 8
with caterpillar slowness
 9
its wishes, reaches us
 10
gradually; taut muscles
 11
stoically silent
 12
lure promises of leaves
 13
heavy with rain.
 14
 
 
Syllables flicker,
 15
brilliant hail
 16
underneath a dark sun,
 17
perfect and smooth
 18
in the mist of a silent shiver,
 19
 
 
only this time the mute,
 20
unnameable hips of words
 21
rouse themselves,
 22
spill freely the pool
 23
of old chains
 24
and begin, beginning  
 25
with your single,
 26
life-giving witness.
 27

24 Mar 07

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Comments:

Hi Maria. How are you doing?

There's so much I like about this - l11-14 and l18-19 in particular.
'In the mist of a silent shiver'...I am going to steal this line.
Beautiful - ending with the beginning.

Sam
 — unknown

pretty...
 — Cherish

Thank you, Sam and Cherish, for your comments
Yours kindly
Maria
 — slancho

exquisite. yes. hello. how are you?

i think 7-10 might need some re-breaks... or maybe an addition of 'it reaches us'...
the comma after 'gradually' could be a semi, no?

line 19 is so good, i don't have any words to explain how much i love it. :)
especially liked the play of mist/midst.

the comma in line 26- is it really needed?

awesomeamazing maria, thank you for posting my poetess friend.

peace.
varun.
 — varun

the addition of 'it' before 'reaches us' i meant...
 — varun

strong synthesis
annouces its wishes
with caterpillar slowness,
it reaches us
gradually; taut muscles
stoic, silent
like promises of leaves
heavy
with rain.

but that's too much like me... henh... i also think the semi might be too much of a break, in which case, the comma is working perfectly, of course...
 — varun

Varun, I made some changes, will return before the end of the day and work some more on the second stanza ... I do not want to change it too much at once.
Thanks for your comments and your reading(s)
yours
maria
 — slancho

lure. lovely. change of context and meaning too...

i like 7-14 now, prefer this version. yes.


only thing i'm stuck on is 'hips of words'. which i don't understand.
i think the meaning is 'they get up' or 'are heard'. but i will read more.

the closing lines are fitting much better, for me now.

merci, mon ami.
 — varun

I use these same words, but when I put them together in my spit it out slamming way, they are not as beautiful as when you string them together.

very lovely poem.

thank you
ilene
 — ilenelush

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