poetry critical

online poetry workshop

the blue letter series

this is beginning
and, like before,
it stands for the ember
of bone-frames
curled round the tongue.
Its strong synthesis
with caterpillar slowness
its wishes, reaches us
gradually; taut muscles
stoically silent
lure promises of leaves
heavy with rain.
Syllables flicker,
brilliant hail
underneath a dark sun,
perfect and smooth
in the mist of a silent shiver,
only this time the mute,
unnameable hips of words
rouse themselves,
spill freely the pool
of old chains
and begin, beginning  
with your single,
life-giving witness.

24 Mar 07

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Hi Maria. How are you doing?

There's so much I like about this - l11-14 and l18-19 in particular.
'In the mist of a silent shiver'...I am going to steal this line.
Beautiful - ending with the beginning.

 — unknown

 — Cherish

Thank you, Sam and Cherish, for your comments
Yours kindly
 — slancho

exquisite. yes. hello. how are you?

i think 7-10 might need some re-breaks... or maybe an addition of 'it reaches us'...
the comma after 'gradually' could be a semi, no?

line 19 is so good, i don't have any words to explain how much i love it. :)
especially liked the play of mist/midst.

the comma in line 26- is it really needed?

awesomeamazing maria, thank you for posting my poetess friend.

 — varun

the addition of 'it' before 'reaches us' i meant...
 — varun

strong synthesis
annouces its wishes
with caterpillar slowness,
it reaches us
gradually; taut muscles
stoic, silent
like promises of leaves
with rain.

but that's too much like me... henh... i also think the semi might be too much of a break, in which case, the comma is working perfectly, of course...
 — varun

Varun, I made some changes, will return before the end of the day and work some more on the second stanza ... I do not want to change it too much at once.
Thanks for your comments and your reading(s)
 — slancho

lure. lovely. change of context and meaning too...

i like 7-14 now, prefer this version. yes.

only thing i'm stuck on is 'hips of words'. which i don't understand.
i think the meaning is 'they get up' or 'are heard'. but i will read more.

the closing lines are fitting much better, for me now.

merci, mon ami.
 — varun

I use these same words, but when I put them together in my spit it out slamming way, they are not as beautiful as when you string them together.

very lovely poem.

thank you
 — ilenelush