poetry critical : poem

Judas the Iscariot

BrideInBlack

This poem is really long, but I can't really make it shorter, as it would take away from the meaning. So if you don't want to bear with it, maybe it would be best if you walked away now. Quietly, while nobody is looking...

is this how	1
is this how	2
is this how Judas	3
Judas the Iscariot felt	4
when he couldn’t wash the blood	5
of the Almighty from his hands	6
so he hung himself with	7
the blood still dripping	8
upon his shadow	9
as it swung to and fro	10
to and fro	11
to and fro?	12

I can almost	13
I can almost	14
almost see his body	15
a black silhouette	16
against a rainbow-filled dusk	17
but my view	18
my view is blocked by	19
my reflection	20
wearing a mask of gold	21
soaked with blood	22
that will someday turn to wine.	23

if he had	24
if he had licked his fingers	25
would he have tasted blood	26
or the blessed wine he drank	27
that were still on his lips	28
when he kissed Christ’s cheek	29
or the gold he was given	30
for selling God’s son	31
with the kiss as a sale’s pitch	32
or would he taste	33
what I taste on my fingers	34
fresh summer honey	35
with an aftertaste	36
of vinegar	37

did Jesus	38
did Jesus Christ	39
after He was resurrected	40
step on His own blood	41
which three days prior	42
was spread by	43
the dead fingers	44
of his fellow Galilean	45
and did He add His tears	46
to the shadow?	47

will the love	48
will the love	49
will the lover I sold	50
to sadists and soldiers	51
take the time	52
to stand in my shadow	53
and let his tears	54
wash the red raindrops	55
that would corrupt his face?	56

or instead	57
instead did He	58
pass the swinging body as if	59
it was a black cloud	60
that might disintegrate	61
unnoticed	62
despite its deep thunder?	63

and will his	64
and will his lips quiver	65
as he looks in my eyes	66
behind my mask	67
as they stare	68
at something far away	69
that has nothing to do	70
with us	71
or will he look past	72
my thundering body	73
at the sunset	74
glowing through the sky?	75

is this how	76
is this how	77
is this how Judas	78
Judas the Iscariot felt	79
when he couldn’t wash	80
the blood of who he loved	81
from his hands	82
and so gave up	83
with the blood still dripping	84
as it turned to wine	85
and his mask of gold	86
fell upon his shadow	87
as it swung to and fro	88
to and fro	89
to and fro?	90

23 Mar 07

Rated 9 (9) by 7 users.

Active (7): 1, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
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Cherish

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Comments:

First off, your intro is f'ing hilarious, I loved it and it forced me to read it even though I scowled when I scrolled
ALL THE WAY DOWN
the page, ha!
You rocked this poem.  That's it baby, yeah.
Great job, take is easy,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

ha, it's you, the corpse bride...I just met you in the msg board. =-)
Great poem.
I can't give you crits to this, I just really like it, and you know it far better than I.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

Thanks Jen. It's always nice to meet a fan. :-)
— BrideInBlack

This takes a bit more than a superficial engagement so it may not receive the attention it deserves, I like the ground it covers and how it paces, not sure if the title doesn't obscure the more universal implications, anyway good one
— unknown

oh yeah, it is the Corpse Bride(so we shall meet again) very nice....i must admit i didn't expect you to be so good, but this is great
— Cherish

i didn't think i would like the repetition, but i really did.
— inutile

The repetition creates a conversational tone, drama, emphasis, a sense of suspence even. Not only that but it makes the words sing. Really, really like it.  That fifth stanza shocked my senses.  Messed me up with the literal meaning and then made me search for the metaphorical.  That's what art's supposed to do, I think.  Mess you up.
This really messes me up.  And I enjoyed it.
— unknown

excuse me. but you are very wrong about this poem.
About half of it could be removed and it would still have all its meaning.
what there is of it.

how can you say it is conversational?
Do you stutter when you talk?
— unknown

nice poem.
— hank

I disagree with shortening it, I think the repetition signals that there needs to be some consideration to find the full implications, uncovered meaning are lost on some readers but I have come back to this to comment as since reading it when it first was posted it has triggered off some rethinking of my own past conduct, so I believe the use of this convention is appropriate and successfully executed here.
— unknown

congrats on the great feedback you've received
and to the success of this poem, well done!
— jenakajoffer

Thanks for the warm wishes, Jen. And thanks everyone for the great input! I'm glad everyone liked the repitition; it was very experimental for me, as was the length. :-)  I also didn't know whether I should say "to and fro" or "back and forth" when describing the hanging bodies. I guess it's fine the way it is, though.

Thanks again!
— BrideInBlack

everyone did not like the repetition
— unknown

Sorry; I meant, I'm glad MOST people liked the repitition. My bad. :-/
— BrideInBlack

Nothing here for me. Trying to hard.

-polly
— unknown

nice work, Bride. i really like how you use the word "felt" in the opening and closing, subliminal message of "fell." the repetition is odd, but used well at least. doesn't seem too long for me, in fact, the length strikes me as perfect.

welcome to the possibility of a reader liking this.
— listen

Up until halfway through this I thought I did not like the repetition but by the end I was enjoying it. In most cases this doesn't work but it add depth to your poem. I liked it a lot, in some places the style reminded me of Milton's Paradise Lost but in modern day language.
L50, I don't know whether lover is a typo cos it's not a word I would have used, love works well.
Great poem BrideInBlack
— angrychick

god set up Judas!

it was a frame-up
— Mongrol

yes, nice work. nice. work. here.
— unknown

I like this.. I don't think I would like the repitition normally, but the mood you put the reader in makes it work.
— Edgewater

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