poetry critical

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forty minutes and a burnt cd
unknown

for an errand i'd dearly love to run. this is all i ever gave you.

you said
 1
'forget what i should have said.'
 2
 
 
but i can't
 3
forget what i should have said
 4
to you.
 5
 
 
you said
 6
'it's better to burn out than to fade'
 7
 
 
but all happy endings fade
 8
in the dark
 9
where there was warmth
 10
when there was only
 11
between our hands.
 12
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
but
 13
it stole your maybes.
 14
 
 
who will force my laugh now that i cry?
 15
 
 
and even though i can't choose my dreams,
 16
i still think of you before
 17
i sleep,
 18
which seems profound.
 19

23 Mar 07

Rated 8.5 (8.6) by 20 users.
Active (20): 1, 5, 6, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 3, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(7 users consider this poem a favorite)
ashley87
CrimsonStorm
DeathShards
grahmike
infinity
luvscost
PollyReg



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Comments:

I like this. It's sadly sweet.

L7 should be "than", not "then".

L8 - 12 is a bit confusing for me. Could you explain it to me?

Otherwise, I love the rhythm this has. Pleasure to read.
 — DeathShards

That is my favorite quote. Last stanza is excellent.
 — Andramelach

DeathShards
Thanks for the correction.
L8-12 is a reference to a movie theatre, also alluding to the 'date'.

Andramelach
Which quote? And thank you.

A question: which is better? Second (you) or third (he) person?
 — unknown

Second person. It feels more personal than third.
 — DeathShards

thanks
 — unknown

i would have thought that people ask for an explanation of the title and footnote.
 — unknown

we must find the hamburgler.

because the purple pine tree said so.
 — bologna

if you did what every purple pine tree said, you would never even find Grimace, and you would still grimace. be brave, stand up to that tree, tell him you are washing your hair that day.
 — unknown

It just manages to balance on that thin line of cliché, but manages not to fall in. The great line breaks help to keep it fresh, congrats. Loved L11-12 and L21.
L17, could you use a better word than force?
 — karmic

That last stanza is something else. Well done.

x
 — musicwords

Thank you musicwords. I thought it was lame, but I'm glad that someone else appreciates it.
 — unknown

i like it. lines 10-12 don't make sense, though. the grammar is weird.

"where there was warmth when there was only between our hands"

er, actually, feels like its missing an adjective. but maybe that's the point?
but then the lack of adjective (that sentiment, rather) still doesn't make sense.

ya need a word after line 11.

i like the space between 12 and 13, though. excellent use.

l15: what stole your tomorrows? seems relevant to the lack in l11.

last stanza is perfect. love it.

smile!
midare
 — midare

for l11 and 12, you could insert the words 'space between', i.e. "when there was only [the space] between our hands", but i thought that this detracted from the flow, and was too obvious. i think i was trying to convey the focus that the person had on the contact between the people.

in l15, the it is supposed to be vague. i didn't want it to be about the death.

thanks so much, midare, for your time and helpful crit. :)
 — unknown

thank you
 — grahmike

thank you for what grahmike?
 — unknown

for writing such a perfect poem, perhaps.
 — inutile

amazing
 — infinity

The last stanza is good, but the rest just seems forced and somehow non authentic
 — unknown

baha, not perfect, far from, i think i should be thanking him instead.
 — unknown

I like the title, but a question:  Are you saying a "burnt" CD as by fire, or are you referring to a "burned" CD as in a downloaded music file from the Internet?  There's a difference.  Just curious.  Otherwise, I like it.  I'm not a huge fan, however of lines that begin with conjunctions as in L's 3, 8. 13 & 18.  Conjunctions serve to connect, not to begin nor introduce.  Also, L'13-16 seem strangely off in syntax.  "There are no maybe's anymore" comes across to me as a weird double negative.  "It stole your tomorrows?"  What is "it" that steals "your tomorrows?"  Hmmm...Food 4 thought.  It seems like it's trying really hard to be sad, but comes off more as being not sure how to or where to place the sadness accurately enough.
 — starr

thats starr for your crit. here we say 'burnt' as in a home-made cd, sorry if this conflicts with your definitions. unlike you, i like starting stanzas with conjunctions. yes, they may be used for connecting, and that is what i have used them for, but stanzas instead of sentences. you can do that with poetry, you know, whatever fits. have you tried reading it without them? it's just not the same (obviously).

i wasn't 'trying hard to be sad' at all. i was sad. and this is what i wrote. i actually didn't try to be anything at all, maybe i'm just a crap writer?

thanks for the time you took to crit it, i appreciate it.
 — unknown

You're not a crap writer at all.  You're AWESOME writer.  Now I see what you're saying.  I upped the rating 2 points too from a 7 to a 9.  I totally did not catch the movie theatre reference at all.  Take care.  :-)
 — starr

thanks so much starr. i didn't mean to be harsh in my response. what a lovely thing to do :)
 — unknown

No harshness taken at all.  Know that I know where you were going with this, the excellence became apparent.  No worries.  It's all good (so is the poem.)  :-)  Peaceout.  Starr
 — starr

i really like this piece. i thought that it was amazing how you wrote this piece so that it makes the reader feel such numb although at the same time it shows such deep, intense emotion. well done. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

thank you lanezfairy. does it really? i guess i don't think of the effect it will have, i didn't really care, i just wrote, it happened. thank you.
 — unknown

I know the poem is really personal. the more you read the more this poem grows on you. i dont think if this was deliberately done or it comes a blessing in disguise but everytime i read this, it gives me different set of imagery. The poem makes u feel. thats the USP about this piece. However, i like your work... i cant get what the "it" in line 15 means.. is it death or God?? and line 17 needs to be rephrased correctly.
maybe you could try 'who will force me to laugh now?'
or u might want to end it on 'now' and remove 'that i cry'

even if u dont consider my suggetions ..i will still like your poem!
 — trochee

she doesn't want your penis.

nor do i.

stop calling my house.
 — bologna

Excellent
 — larrylark

Jus curious if it takes you 40 mins to burn a CD???
 — trochee

thanks larrylark and trochee. i'll get back to you later.
(and no, that was a separate 40 minutes)
 — unknown

Awesome.
 — ApGwLnOsA

thank you ApGwLnOsA (unpronounceable). means alot. i can't believe people are receiving this crap well :)
dear troch, i have decided not to edit this piece, as it's not really about what i wrote, the words, the grammar, but why i wrote it. if i change it, then it will no longer serve that purpose, to remind me of my mind state at this time.
bologna, any penis you do not have ownership of is a penis wasted. shame on you.
 — unknown

i enjoy the conjunctions at the start of the lines.. almost as afterthoughts they are written, and it makes sure you are paying attention, and the story keeps going
 — sunshinesgf

aww, thanks sunshine. they probably were afterthoughts, i didn't exactly plan this poem.
 — unknown

Hmm, when I expand the 'recent best' column, this is sitting snugly in the 5th position, but when I collapse it, it is nowhere to be seen. A glitch in the Matrix?

Anyhoo, a pretty brilliant piece. Usually I don't relate to sad pieces, as I am a sunshine child, but this really touched me in a non-illegal way.

10.
 — ironicllama

G'day, I have avoided commenting on this before now, because l7 reminds me of a Neil Young song.

But, its good writing, a nice poem and it touches me in a very personal way.

I liked it better before 13 and 14 were edited. I liked, "It stole your tomorrows"

Anyways thanks for the read,
 — PollyReg

wtf?
 — unknown

what rubbish!
 — unknown

touching. it felt very personal.
...the subject is your last thought before sleep (but also the first thought when you wake?). perhaps change is to "i still think of you before/ i sleep,/ and after/ which seems profound.

(9)

absolutely loved it!
 — luvscost

PollyReg- L7 is actually a quote from Kurt Cobain, but actually quoted from my friend quoting. If you want to think of neil young, go ahead. 13 and 14 made me cringe, i had to cut them.

The two(?) unknowns- thank you. i'm so glad you rescued me from the danger of my ego inflating my head and carrying me off. i expected these reactions more than the ones i've been getting.

luvscost- no, it is not my first thoughts waking up. those are usually 'please let me have 5 more minutes', or disappointment when i lose my dream. the last stanza stands.
 — unknown

beautiful
 — unknown

thanks unknown :)
 — unknown

wow. i love when people favourite poems. ratings mean nothing.
 — unknown

Profound, no. Top Rated, hell no.

when there was only between our hands???

Good grief Charlie Brown

Where are the critics? I had a high school English teacher that would have given this a C+ (after correcting the capitalization and punctuation errors).
 — unknown

i agree, but why would you write a poem for your english teacher to grade? is that what poetry is for you?

i don't want your teacher's grade. tell me why you think this is so shit, that will make your comment worthwhile.

this is not profound. i don't know why it was on the top rated list. all punctuation and (lack of) capitalisation is intentional.

don't ask where the critics are. ask what you can be critical about.
 — unknown

this is a sweet letter
 — photobooth

just one? haha, which letter? the 'd'?
 — unknown

Madman?
 — unknown

"i agree, but why would you write a poem for your english teacher to grade? is that what poetry is for you?

i don't want your teacher's grade. tell me why you think this is so shit, that will make your comment worthwhile."

I failed to mention my English teacher was also a famous writer.

I do not like the white space
I do not like how the stanzas are created, or not.
The poem is trite.
It does not flow well.
I don't enjoy it in the least.
It adds nothing to my awareness of the world.
"It stole your maybes" sums up the poem for me, it is greeting card sickening.
 — unknown

" "It stole your maybes" sums up the poem for me, it is greeting card sickening."
thank you! (that was not sarcasm). i agree, i don't like that line either, though i doubt you'd see it on a greeting card ("merry christmas, may father christmas steal all your tomorrows"). i couldn't think of anything that would fit with a lesser degree of lame. any suggestions?

i think that you are still, however, missing the point about your english teacher, regardless of whether he/she is a famous writer. why should i care what they would think when it is up to the reader to discern whether the poem is to their taste and what it is lacking. it is entirely subjective. you have no need to bring in an authorative voice, when using your own will suffice. i believe you when you say it would have received a C+, but i have not asked it to be graded by a highschool teacher cum famous writer.

"I do not like the white space"
i do.

"I do not like how the stanzas are created, or not."
admitedly, i do need to work on my stanzas. but no matter how i laid them, the pieces wouldn't fit together. i ask for help when i post on tetto.

"It does not flow well."
no, it doesn't. this is intentional. it's quite broken.

"I don't enjoy it in the least."
fair enough.

"It adds nothing to my awareness of the world."
possibly not, but few things actually do.

in conclusion, thank you very much, but next time maybe consider suggesting some solutions.
 — unknown

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