poetry critical

online poetry workshop



You are beautiful not because
JoelJosol

of your ivory skin looking glazed
 1
under fluorescent light,
 2
a modern Snow White,
 3
nor because of your black hair
 4
flowing like a silent river,
 5
reflecting sunlight into my eyes-
 6
neither because of your brows
 7
so well-curved like inverted smileys-
 8
were it not for your eyes generous
 9
with their glances
 10
I would have thought that they were frowns-
 11
surely not because of your petite nose
 12
accenting your face I love capturing
 13
in a photograph,
 14
to sculpt light on your contours,
 15
to bring out the essence
 16
if even just a glimpse of why,
 17
in well chosen colors.
 18
 
 
So, when your laughter lingers in my ears
 19
like love songs do once they’re played-
 20
after you bundle up your hair in a bun
 21
and our hands meet and join under
 22
the water, soap, dishes, sink-
 23
when your eyes
 24
-sleepy, black, and round-
 25
cast their glance on mine,
 26
while your body's green tea scent
 27
is still strong-
 28
when you say your good-night,
 29
across a queen-size bed:
 30
 
 
you are beautiful
 31
beyond what the light bares.
 32

23 Mar 07


(define the words in this poem)
(17 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

this poem is self denying. why be so superficial when you try so hard not to be?
 — unknown

Hmm. needs mucho work. Please, what is it about her under all that that you love?
 — Doulos

The end should have been:

'...because you are You.'
 — trochee

The poem just got started but I ended it abruptly to see if how far I've gone so far. I will improve the 'turn' lines.
 — JoelJosol

OK, here's my first attempt to develop the turn.
 — JoelJosol

My gosh, I'm in a jocular mood today. First reaction:
=This poem is soooo gay.
Well, no, not in the literal sense, but in the vernacular of today:
the poem is so very over the top, effusive, self conscious, flowery,
no-one talks like that; and the end line is awful.

I will tell you straight, not gay, that as loving and zestful and passionate
as you mean this poem to be, it is truly awful, except to give it to your woman;
it's not a poem for critique, otherwise.

Don't feel crushed or hurt. That's not the spirit here.  You post the poem to get
critique.  So far I've given more like a review.  Would you like objective critique from me now?  I will proceed to do so only if you say "yeah, give it to me straight".

??? Your call.  Best regards to you, but not the poor poem.

Reid, the dispassionate poe slasher
 — netskyIam

I'm a student of writing. If I get to learn something out of this, that's valuable. Hurt feelings is not relevant to learning. So, go ahead, let me know.
 — JoelJosol

OK, second revision.
 — JoelJosol

find a better last two lines, they are the most important. work backwards.
 — unknown

Yeah, the ending couplet is problematic. For now, I tweaked the lines and re-phrase the couplet.
 — JoelJosol

Tweaked the lines some more.
 — JoelJosol

Tweaked some more.
 — JoelJosol

Tidy up some remaining lines.
 — JoelJosol

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