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Sepia
ChedelSol

Neon orange gnats swarm around your caricature,
 1
as I be, a humble spike in the ground in your eye—tornado
 2
I drove you home, you stared off…
 3
Forehead against the glass,
 4
I reach for those fragile fractal neurons, my soul’s ambition
 5
Every night, as you’re lost in sepia still-frames
 6
With Aronofsky/ecstasy senses (contradicting)
 7
Filtering out the breeze,
 8
Exacerbating the steady drip—
 9
Me, me, me, * ad infinitum
 10
Past that unknown, unspoken edge,
 11
Those numb, hazy mornings of aimless walks
 12
And the rare joy— tamed bliss of an empty mind
 13
At rest…alone as you must,
 14
The Doctor— your trigger, your enemy
 15
Nagging,,, an imposter in our sanctuary
 16
I fix you your ketchup sandwiches,
 17
Kiss your hand and tuck you in—
 18
We’ll try again tomorrow.
 19

seeing a loved one through depression

22 Mar 07

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Comments:

amazing. i'm an absolute fan of this... i love anything i can see the echoes of. hear?

a few nits though:
did you mean "..." after nagging in line 16? (as opposed to ,,,)

maybe "as I am" in line 2? remove the comma in either case, it's not
grammatically correct and neither does the pause lend itself to the cadence.
to that same end, you don't need the comma at the end of line 1, either.

maybe format. with some line breaks. if ya don't mind, here's how i'd do it:

Neon orange gants swarm around your caricature
as I am a humble spike in the ground in your eye--tornado,
I drove you home, you stared off,
forehead against the glass.

I reach for those fragile fractile neurons, my soul's ambition
every night, as you're lost in sepia still-frames
with Aronofsky/ecstasy senses (contradicting)
filtering out the breeze,
exacerbating the stready drip--

me,
me,
me, *
ad infinitum.

Past that unknown, unspoken edge,
those numb, hazy, mornings of aimless walks
and the rare joy--tamed bliss of an empty mind
at rest...alone as you must.

The Doctor--your trigger, your enemy
nagging...an impostor in our sanctuary.
I fix you your ketchup sandwiches,
kiss your head and tuck you in--
we'll try again tomorrow.

best of luck.
midare
 — midare

err. i wanna re-do. hahaha.

first stanza, even better:

"Neon orange gnats swarm around your caricature
as I am the humble spike in the ground of your eye--tornado
I drove you home; you stared off,
forehead against the glass."
 — midare

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