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The Weight of Sex

I've never had the experience of weight, but in this society it doesn't really matter. You still seem to know. Like "The Sixth Sense"...even the people who never saw it knew that he saw "dead people" or whoever didn't read "Romeo and Juliet" knew the most beautiful verses

I wanted to feel light,
but being with you has weight.
I fear that one day
as I walk up and down the staircase
to my apartment, i will trip and fall and die.
Not really.
Would you feel guilty knowing that it was your weight that made me fall?
Would you feel sorrow for my soul that will be in dark throughout fatal existence?
I wanted to feel light
but have grown too use to your weight
above me on winter nights.
Your weight that presses hard against me so that i wouldn't have to get the sheets out of the hamper.
I wanted to feel light,
like I was floating on the moon as everyone else
contained gravity from earth, but you refused to get off of me
and I never really protested against you.
I cried the first time, out of fear of what you were capable of.
Ialways knew you were stronger than me.
I pretended to feel nothing ass I observed your many faces and sounds.
Once you even slapped me to see what I would do. It worked.
I let out a slight moan, and yelled "Fuck you."
You stopped rubbing against me then.
"You already are," was your reply.

18 Mar 07

Rated 5 (5) by 2 users.
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this overall isnt bad, but i think that you want to make a single point, but drag out making that point for far too long. the stanzas are not at all uniform, and are a bit wordy with little substance. keeping working though, good last stanza

like maybe for line 1-2

"i wanted to be light,
lifted from your weight"
 — topop

You could delete half of this poem and it would still be the same poem.
 — joshcoops

I agree with joshcoops.

too much, too long. No real substance. Its angsty.

I only like the last paragraph.

 — unknown

thank you guys for your suggestions. it's true i get really side-tracked, mostly because i'm so used to writing journal entries. i'll do my best to let some of the words go...

 — unknown