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Dye a Log
listen

“I’ve paint the branch
 1
that sits among the tree
 2
in water.
 3
 
 
But forgive
 4
the green leaves;
 5
autumn
 6
has not colored yet.”
 7
 
 
“I do not approve; give it the colors of art.”
 8
 
 
“All you want
 9
is vibrancy.
 10
 
 
Is there no
 11
vision
 12
in shades?”
 13
 
 
“Obviously not.”
 14
 
 
“But
 15
the soul purpose of art
 16
is to let
 17
reflect
 18
your inner functions, your unseen
 19
machines that lack physical states.”
 20
 
 
“I know that. But your work
 21
is very dull. All I see is
 22
soil-colored flesh, as though to
 23
recreate my contempt; and, a few green leaves.
 24
Where is the growth?”
 25
 
 
“I would give growth
 26
if our world would stop growing;
 27
but for now, growth cannot be spared.”
 28
 
 
“Can you spare your creativity?”
 29
 
 
“No.”
 30
 
 
“If you add no color, then your creation will
 31
gray, and then … die.”
 32

17 Mar 07

Rated 9 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (1): 7

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Is green not a color of life? Does it not reflect your want to grow? To begin with painting a branch and end with a sculpture is contradictive unless you're painting the sculpture. But so there is no confusion try this in 21-23 or something similar.
" I know that. But your art is very dull. All I see is a soil-colored attempt to recreate your own contempt."
 — fallentears

i like your suggestion, Fallen. i changed accordingly. thank you for your suggestion. i guess i'll leave it like this for now, and see where this goes.
 — listen

did you think about leaving 'them' out from line 7? makes it sound wonderful i think...
leave out 'the' in line 8 i'd say. i'd say a lot, but some of it is here, for you.
this is a lovely poem, listen. as always. you write about things that move me.

try a semi after 'contempt'. leave out the 'and' ?

line 33? no... do you really want it? need it?

loveleepomeilovetheepome
 — varun

wow.
nice conversation there.
somehow i think L 29 could be rephrased in a better way...  may be a different word for "spare".

and yes. i dont think so u need L 33. Or find an interesting way of saying it.
I know i know ... i could suggest jus a full stop seperately on L 33.
 — trochee

great suggestions. i used a couple of them, where they seemed to fit. i used “the” and “and” because it helps the flow of here, as they both are around words that are repeated a bit. and speaking of repetition, i used spare to kind of reflect the quiet previous suggestion there, in line twenty-eight.

but i deleted the last line (which was hard to part with because of the voice it had, that closed the poem, but i suppose it reads better without it though), and did a few other things that helped it in my opinion due to your opinion. thanks for being so open with me. i will still think about the other suggestions, but i'm worried a little more handling would change the way i wanted it to read.

thanks.
 — listen

what the f
makes no sense
get your tenses right jes
 — unknown

This poem sounds like me when I talk to myself. Good idea but needs more work and reflection

Larry talking to trees Lark
 — larrylark

yes, a little more reflective!

(but i'll admit i have no idea where to start.)
 — listen

hmm
the linebreaks were excellent until 20 when the poem seemed to lose a little steam
for me
great title -- you made it relevant through to the end

well done
 — chuckles

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